glow notes

Offline

2006-06-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I haven't been posting much. Just thought I'd officially let readers know that I'll be on hiatus until I've finished up some other projects. Like building a new life!

Limitless

2006-05-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

I have a colleague who is pleasant to interact with, but you get the sense she’s got an electromagnetic field surrounding her at about four feet. She is a beautiful woman, tall and elegant, and a sophisticated dresser, (especially given our “I took a job in academia so that I wouldn’t have to wear pantyhose and shoes that hurt” dress code). Should it chance that a mere mortal dare criticize her to her face, I sincerely doubt that it would register.

I am in awe of this colleague’s seemingly boundless ability to deflect expectations. How does she do it? In short, she has a sense of entitlement.

We often use the word ‘entitlement’ to refer to somebody who believes that their {time/feelings/whatever} are more important than everybody else’s. This is not a particularly estimable character trait. But could one have this sense of privilege without the negative flip side? You could call this self-esteem or confidence, but those words fall short for me. They don’t imply the same sense of claiming one’s birthright.

When I look up the word ‘entitle’ in the Oxford English Dictionary, I found this definition (among others):

To furnish (a person) with a ‘title’ to an estate. Hence gen. to give (a person or thing) a rightful claim to a possession, privilege, designation, mode of treatment, etc.

I often joke that my dog thinks she has a fan club, and refer to going for a walk as ‘greeting her fans.’ She is gracious in her notoriety, greeting all of her public with equal delight. Some people don’t meet her joy with matching enthusiasm, or even avoid her. This doesn’t bother her for a moment. Neither does it inhibit her passion.

Why? Because she knows that she is entitled to affection. If a particular individual happens not to give it to her, well, they must just be misinformed. 'Poor things,' I imagine she thinks, 'they’re living life in a deluded state. It must be hard for them, not getting cuddles. Hey, is that a fireman over there? I love men in uniform!'

How does this relate to the topic of health and fitness? I’m not the only person who has struggled with the diet versus not-diet dichotomy. It’s pretty common and it’s a sneaky bugger. I’ve spent a long time finding a balance between eating 'healthy' and indulging every whim, and I've been largely successful. I’ve been able to balance my desire for the occasional piece of chocolate cake with the understanding that too much chocolate cake isn’t good for me.

But when I’m under stress, I have to focus pretty hard in order not to lose my footing. And sometimes I slip and fall. Because balance is still about walking a tightrope between two contradictory alternatives.

Recently I realized something. It’s sort of an obvious something, but it took awhile to travel from my head to my heart. I’m entitled to be healthy; to choose my own goals; to eat foods that nourish both my body and my appetites; to move in ways that are both health-enhancing and enjoyable. Or not to. It is only my own delusion that places buttered sourdough on one side of the tightrope and broccoli on the other.

Clearly the laws of physics still apply – or at least, I haven’t figured out how to get around them. My body likely becomes a better calorie-burning machine when I feel good (probably because of hormonal changes), but cause and effect doesn’t disappear.

My actual food and fitness behaviors have not changed much. I have a very good set of behaviors in place. The difference is that I don’t feel that I’m putting out so much effort to maintain them.

Sometimes I think of developing healthy habits as a process of parenting myself. While I was once a stern and unyielding presence, I've softened. I don't allow myself eat only candy and watch cartoons all day, but neither do I label having a serving of cake or watching a favorite television show ‘bad’ or even harmful behavior.

I’ve seen the consequences of people believing that one's only options are to make themselves miserable through food restriction and wretched bouts of exhausting and/or boring exercise; or to live it up, consequences be damned. I see people with Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease because of this. And I've seen others make make themselves miserable in the struggle. I've been miserable, and it's . . . well, miserable.

I don’t mean to make it sound easy. A lot lead up to me grasping this insight at a gut level. But it’s there, and it makes all of the suffering unnecessary. Here's what I wish I could share:

It is your birthright to feel really, really good. Not for 20 or 30 years, but for the whole of your time on the planet. You are entitled to all the support it takes, and all the time it takes, and all the opportunities that you need to begin again. You are entitled to pleasure. You are entitled to enjoy your life, and that includes caring for your physical body. You are worth all of this, and more.

And if anybody says otherwise, including the voices in your own head, well, they must just be misinformed.

more lessons from the trail

2006-04-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

B. and I dusted off our mountain bikes for the first time this year yesterday and took them up to a trail in the Cuyamaca State Forest. It was beautiful - the rains this season have yeilded to wild flowers and green. We saw a bunch of wild turkeys (the males really DO say 'gobble gobble!') and burned a few hundred calories on the way up - then got to say WEEEEEEEE all the way down.

I've written about this before. I am a really bad mountain biker. This is a good thing. Because pushing my boundaries in this way teaches me a lot that is applicable to my life. Here's what came to me yesterday.

One. Things that seem like a pain in the a&& get easier. It took us an hour to get ready to go and have about 90 minutes worth of fun. We had to get the bikes out, be sure they worked, fill the tires, locate our helmets and gloves, pack up water and snacks, etc. But next time it'll take 30 minutes. And pretty soon it'll take 10 minutes, because we'll have it wired. Life application: I look back on when I started getting fit and eating right, and it's the same thing - what comes like breathing to me now was a lot of work at first.

Two. There is a big different between prudence and fear. Prudence is what kept me from getting injured by going so fast that I could not avoid upcoming rocks and such. Fear is what could make me fall off my bike because I hesitate in front of a rock that I could get over if I powered it. Or what could keep me from ever getting on my bike. Life application: there are reasonable and unreasonable risks, and I should choose wisely based on prudent calcuation, not irrational gut reaction.

Three. Even on an easy ride like this one, there are rocks, ruts, and other obstacles. Part of success it to pick a line and stick to it, and part is to make fine adjustments along the way. That requires a balance between scanning the trail ahead and looking at the ground right in front of my wheel. But I'm outdoors on a gorgeous mountain instead of in a spinning class for a reason, so it's also important also to enjoy the scenery. Life application: I need to pick goals and stick to them, but may need to shift my methods along the way due to unforseen obstacles. And I need to enjoy myself along the way, too!

Four. If I choose a ride that's too hard, I'll spend all my time pushing my bike and won't have fun. If I choose a ride that's too easy, I won't get a workout or learn anything. Life application: doing things that I'm not comfortable with is good for me. But if I push my limits too far, I'll either be miserable and avoid that activity and/or won't get anything out of it anyhow.

Choosing

2006-04-27T00:10:00.000-07:00

I work at a University that always makes the Playboy 'hot chicks' top 10. These girls know that they're babes. Husband (with whom I work) often mentions that the view from his office window appears to be a casting call for a porno.

I get my exercise at a mostly student fitness center on campus. Afterwards, I shower up and change in the locker room.

Which is to say that I am often standing near some of the best butts and bellies and boobs in the free world. Sometimes my jaw drops open at the sheer perfect-ness of some of these rear ends.

Not that I'm staring, mind you.

Does this make me feel insecure about my body?

Aw hell. These are 18, 19, and 20 year old girls. I'm 35. We're talking apples and mangoes here - they're both delicious, but how can you compare them?

But it's not just an age thing. I also work out at another gym, and me living in Southern California, the 30-, 40-, and 50+ year-old bodies in that gym are also very well cared for, genetically gifted, and sometimes surgically enhanced.

OK, jump back. I'm throwing around some words like 'best' and 'perfect' that have no place in describing the body. The fact that each of us in that locker room is standing there is a miracle of the highest order. I'm just plain lucky to be alive and able to enjoy my body and move and be free.

So, if I am treating myself with care, I feel great about my body, no matter the outside messages coming at me. Age, gravity - eh, these things happen. I am a beautiful 35-year old woman with a body that is nothing short of astonishing - I pick something up, I get stronger! I stretch, I get more flexible! I eat well and run hard, my jeans fit better! Wheee!

If, however, I am not caring for myself - then, yeah, these bodies become a harsh reflection of lost potential. Here's the thing: I get each day to live, each breath to take, each choice to make exactly once.

Once. No excuses. That's a lot of responsibility. And a lot of power.

What will I do with it?

on the moment between here and now

2006-04-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

OK, the Kripalu Yoga Center catalog came today, and at the end a short bit of this book was printed. The chapter is linked from there, but it keeps crashing my browser when I try to open the pdf file. Does it crash yours?

Anyhow, it describes a woman with a binge eating problem, and how one evening she finds herself in the parking lot of a grocery store with a full basket of pastries. The author, who is a therapist and yogi and doesn't appear to have a particular food problem, talks about earlier in the week having found himself eating banana muffins even though he was "off" sugar.

Apparently I'm not alone in the experience of moving from craving to action without even quite being aware of the feelings that brought me there. I suspect it's a pretty universal human experience, getting tied into confusing knots that lead us to unfavorable conclusions - over and over and over, until we finally get them loosened up or (hopefully, eventually) untangled.

I'm not a 'good' yogi these days. I spend more time pushing iron and pounding pavement than practicing asana. My day job is very cerebral, and I need a very yang physical practice to bring me back into my body. And in my experience there are more effective ways than yoga to access and heal physical aches and pains. But this piece made me consider the benefits of yoga.

What yoga can do is create space.

You know those scenes in action movies where the hero/ine is fighting off an enemy and the action slows down so you see every kick, jab, and dodge?

Yoga (meditation, grounding work, prayer, journaling, etc.) can create a few moments of slow motion; enough time to get a good close-up of what's really going on. Time to work that knot. Time to get a few threads unraveled.

I think I'll go do some Savasana now : )

In the head of an Ellie

2006-02-24T05:19:00.000-08:00

OK OK, I'm writing, already.

Wednesday was leg day at the gym. Leg day makes both me and Husband hungry. Leg day burns a lot of calories - quads, hams, and glutes are big strong powerful muscles. Plus I was on my period.

So, we were on our way home, and it was dinner time-ish, and I looked at husband and said "I want a hamburger." And he knew just where to go. There's this place near our house that has high quality food, reasonable prices, and you order and pay up front, which I like because it doesn't waste time. And they have good sides - steamed veggies with no butter, mashed butternut squash, baked beans. It all tastes like real food to me, the way I'd cook it, not like restaurant food made with extra fat and salt to get you hooked.

So, we went there and I stood in the line to order while Husband grabbed a table. The people behind me, a couple in maybe their late-50's/early-60's, were looking at the menu and mentioned that they had not eaten there before. I turned around and smiled, and said that the ribs are good, but I pretty much liked everything. They thanked me, and the man asked some questions about the ribs.

When I got to the counter, I ordered a burger for me, a cheeseburger for Husband, and fries all around. As I waited so sign my credit card receipt, I heard the couple behind me ordering. The man was having ribs with garlic mashed potatoes and baked beans. (mmm . . . baked beans . . . )The woman was having a small house salad. "Why don't you have some of that tomato soup," the man said (with concern in his voice?) and she agreed.

Now, I don't know this lady from Eve, and it's not my job to get in her head. So I'll state up front that what I have to say is all about me, not her. But this all brought up a landslide of thoughts and feelings for me. Here's what the voices in my head said, over the course of the next few minutes.

Man, she's skinny.
Man, she's really not too happy looking.
She's about my Mom's age.
My Mom was always on a diet.
Are all women that age on a diet?
No, clearly not.
But lots are.
Are they happy?
How can they be happy if they don't get to eat?
Mmmm . . . food.
Shoot, that makes me angry - this generation ruined it for women of my generation, teaching them messed up things about food and their bodies.
It took me -years- to get from dieting; to reacting against dieting - and gaining weight, feeling like hell, and being in pain; to come to a point where I love my body, and love caring for it. And it can still be a struggle at times. Damnit, what a waste of time.
But they didn't mean to do it. They learned this somewhere and passed it on.
Is that what "sins of the father" means? That these messed up patterns are passed on?
Ha ha, bible scholar Ellie!
Where did it start? Why do so many women fear their own appetites and not enjoy their bellies, hips, and thighs?
But being overweight doesn't feel good either. Nor does overeating or not exercising. Being strong feels good. Being fast feels good. Feeding myself feels good.
Why do many women want to be thinner than is normal (i.e. rasonable to maintain without going hungry)? What do they get out of it?
I remember getting more positive feedback when I was a teenager and lost some weight than I had ever gotten in my life for anything else. Anything. And I wasn't fat before I lost weight.
What was that about?
How do we reclaim our bodies?
Oh, look, our burgers are here!
Pass the catsup!

giving thanks

2005-11-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

My philosophy on holiday eating is as follows.

Enjoy your feast! Try to keep it to one meal, not a whole day/weekend/week, but if you do, don't feel BAD about it or anything, just move on. Don't stuff yourself, it feels gross. If you do stuff yourself, go for a walk or take a nap, then move on. Remember, there's more where that came from. Slow down and enjoy your food. Feast on love. If you are disappointed in family/the day/whatever, that's a normal holiday thing - see if you can count your blessings and focus on where there is love in your life. Try to get a moment or three of alone-ness and silence each day. Try to work out regularly throughout the holidays even if for a short time. Remember that fitness is a marathon, not a sprint - just 'cause you may not be going all-out with food or exercise over the holiday doesn't mean you have to go into couch-potato mode. Feast on art. Call your best friend and tell him/her you love him/her. Eat a vegetable. Eat a fruit. Make something cool for gifts rather than shopping. Enjoy the conversation over meals. If you have a difficult family, challenge yourself to find ways of creating interesting conversations - consider it an art project. Take some pictures. Write something. Read something. Draw something. Go for a bike ride. Wear outfits you love. Be kind to yourself.

Be thankful.

fit tip

2005-11-19T06:17:00.000-08:00

This weeks fit tip is about nuts. Lots of people think nuts are fattening and don't eat them. And they are nutrient dense. And yeah, packing away a whole can of honey-roasted cashews every day will probably make your jeans shrink.

But nuts and nut butters are wonderful for you in small amounts. The most wonderful, in my opinion, are raw almonds and walnuts. They are full of essential fatty acids, help make you less hungry, and are good for your blood lipids (cholesterol).

A couple of studies have shown that subjects adding up to 2 ounces of almonds a day -on top- of normal caloric intake showed no increase in body weight and some significant health benefits. I often eat a few almonds with a meal that is otherwise low in fat in order to increase satiety and absorption of micronutrients.

Here's some info collected by the almond lobby.

just one thing

2005-11-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

How often do you, as the saying goes, let the perfect be the enemy of the good?

If you worked on changing just one thing - one habit or activity - each month, how much more quickly would you get to your goals than if you try to transform your whole life at once, then fret over being inadequate?

Let's start with the assumption that you are, in essence, flawless. You don't have to change a thing about your Self-with-a-capital-S.

But maybe you have a few behaviors that don't support some of your goals. So you might try to change these behaviors.

Habit modification is difficult. The human animal likes homeostasis at root level - it feels safe. We know what it feels like, and even if it's not always ideal, it's known. This impulse to avoid change is a primal survival mechanism, for which reason life coach Martha Beck calls it the 'lizard brain.' She suggests naming your lizard and giving it a grape when it gets upset.

So, for instance, you may say to yourself: this New Year's I'm going to go to Bikhram Yoga class 6 times per week and eat only raw food (ok, you might only say that to yourself if you live in Southern California, but you might say something involving exercise and eating).

And so you start out doing these things, but it's hard. Because, really, you'd like to come home after a long day of work and read a good book, not sweat in a hot studio. And if you have to look at another sprout you're gonna scream. So you go back to your old ways of being and say to yourself "I guess I'm just not cut out for this thing I want."

How about taking it one step at a time? And I mean really break it down.

Humans are amazingly capable of complete transformation. And yes, this sometimes happens seemingly all at once (though likely there is more going on under the surface than that and/or you're thrown into an intense situation like boot camp or a life-threatening illness), but more often it's a gradual process.

So, how to break it down? Pick one thing and start out slow. For instance: this month I'm going to go to yoga class twice per week.

It takes about a month to create a habit. So try sticking with your change for one month. And if you want to do more, do it, but don't shift your goal. That is to say, keep the goal of doing yoga twice per week, but feel free to go four times. It's easier on your lizard brain.

Next month you might want to add an extra day of yoga, or you might want to try eating, say, one raw meal per day (I don't recommend a raw diet, by the way, I'm just being silly).

After a month or so, it gets easier because this new way of being becomes the norm that your inner lizard wants to hold onto.

Habits are like brushing your teeth - you just do them. They aren't so hard. You might not always feel like it, but you do it anyhow - because it's what you do.

Eventually, though, some (not all) habits can become part of your essence.

An example. I started lifting weights in 2001. It was soooo hard to get out of bed. I hated it. Within a month or so, it got easier, but it was still a discipline. For years it was this way.

But as some point that shifted. Lifting weights became a part of me. A meditation on movement. A deliberation on resolve. A full-body prayer to the spirit of physical revolution. A time in the day to be 100% me.

If I miss a day of weight lifting now, it's on purpose, because I need a rest or am doing something else (and I must note: by choice - I never say I have to do anything). I feel more at home on the weight room floor than anywhere else in the world.

Or, as I said to the gentleman who said hello to me on memorial day as I strode purposefully into the near-empty gym: welcome to my living room!

Welcome to your living room. Pick your furniture out deliberately and choose quality pieces, you're gonna be here awhile.

fit tip

2005-11-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

The American Council on Exercise has a list of Top Nutrition Mistakes Made by Active People.

This is a really helpful list. I've made several of these mistakes, most notably not eating breakfast, not eating immediately after working out (nb - ACE says within 2 hours, but the research I've read indicates that it's important to eat within 45-minutes of a workout), and not getting enough carbohydrates or calories. Now that I've corrected these problems, I feel and perform much better.

I won't reiterate the list here, but if you post a comment asking about any of them, I'll be glad to tell you about my experiences in another post.

dedication

2005-11-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

This post really touched my heart because I've had this experience as a client, and I'd like to be this for my clients. A good trainer/nutritionist/fitness professional/whatever is somebody who believes in you when you aren't so sure.

There is nothing more wonderful than seeing somebody turn the bend in the road from feeling helpless to empowered, from frustrated to excited, from hopeless to joyful.

Thanks, Jane.

on fat and love

2005-11-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been gone awhile; vacation, then had a bad cold. Here's the post I promised:

On the subject of fat, I have mixed thoughts, but it's actually just one message in the end.

I have been fat and I have been thin. I have never been, like, Oh My God fat. I looked chubby, but in reality I was 32% body fat and that's edging on clinically obese. So yeah, I was fat. I felt like hell. I was tired all of the time, had terrible PMS, often had really painful and chronic but minor injuries, and caught a lot of colds, flus, etc. Despite that, I was never totally out of shape. I could still walk a long way and exercised on occasion - though often as not I talked myself out of exercise because I was tired. I went to a cardio kickboxing class and nearly puked one day.

As a fit person, I feel great. I want everybody to feel this great. I want everybody to feel this empowered, this strong, this full of life, this energetic, this vibrant. I don't do cardio kickboxing much any more because it doesn't get my heart rate up the way running does. I look forward to exercising. Truly.

As a fitness professional, I know the wages of poor nutrition, lack of movement, and an unhealthy body composition. I know far too much about what saturated fat does to the insides of a human and how being overfat correlates to cancer, heart disease, hormone-related illnesses, and other such bummers. [nb: I do not believe that you must be at an 'ideal' body weight or body fat percentage to be fit. Every person is different.]

I also know that knowing about the dangers of poor fitness and nutrition habits doesn't make people who aren't quote-unquote perfect in their habits love themselves. All too often, it makes them angry and hateful toward themselves. And if you don't love yourself - and your body - how in the world are you going to do all those things that are required in order to be fit?

Effort has to be balanced by love, not hate. Hate robs us; love feeds us. Hate is draining; love is energizing. Hate is out of balance with the Truth and thus makes every small thing sooo hard; love makes everything easier. Not effortless, but less like dragging a Jeep by your ear.

It breaks my heart to hear people talk about their struggles with weight loss, going hungry, depriving themselves of foods they love, doing exercise they hate, failing yet again, and how helpless and frustrating it feels. From my perspective, that seems like being at war with our own bodies. Ouch!

I'm also affected by this. Like many women I speak to, I can see the beauty in a women who is not at the 'ideal size' but *I* sometimes feel like pushing the panic button when my jeans are too tight at the waistband.

For the record, I was a hottie at 172 pounds, no doubt about it. But feeling fat frankly sucks.

On occasion I still slip into the 'diet mentality,' where I forget that the habits of health are about feeling good and aren't an end in themselves. Inevitably, this kind of thinking leads me to overeat or get depressed or give up nurturing habits, or all of the above.

When this happens, I counter that self-hating behavior with love. I give myself hot baths and walks in the park; I treat myself to yoga classes and the occasional massage; I rub my body with mango scented cream while telling my thighs "thank you, for carrying me here and there, I know it's hard work;" I cook delicious, nutrient-rich meals that I also love to eat. I care for my body like the precious gift it is.

Just as soon as I remember.

And it always works. Because love always works. Love always brings peace and balance.

In between these rememberings, I live in hell. Truly. What else can you call a war zone? Blessedly, that's not very often any more.

Because I know how hell feels, it breaks my heart to see people living in this hell most of the time.

What if?
What if we were told from birth that we are perfect, that our bodies are miracles and worthy of tender love and care; that we as humans can have different shapes of bodies, just like the dogs at the dog park - and nobody expects an English Bulldog to look like a French Poodle, do they?

What if exercise and eating well were taught, not as punishment or chore, but as nurturing and fun. What if we were never told that chocolate is 'bad,' only that too much chocolate slows you down, and that's no fun, is it?

What if we were taught about love instead of fear?

What if we start now?

Tee hee

2005-10-28T03:43:00.000-07:00

I've got a big fat post in the works, just need to edit. In the meantime, enjoy this cartoon!

what's in a name?

2005-10-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

Thinking about the word addiction.

I facilitated a workshop on building healthy food and fitness habits yesterday. It was the first time I'd taught this workshop. It was a great group, and I learned a lot from the experience.

We did an exercise that involved exploring 'rules' about eating. As a food and fitness coach, I don't recommend giving up foods or food groups, because it seems to me that the human psyche is designed to crave anything that it is denied. I am more interested in attaining overall balance than nutritional perfection.

While discussing the exercise, I was asked a question about food addiction in regards to this exercise - I wouldn't recommend that an alcoholic drink, why would I recommend that a person with food issues eat. I fumbled this question, and so have been thinking on it. Upon consideration, here's what I believe on the topic. I have an open mind on this, total respect for other opinions, and understand that it can be an emotional topic.

I'm not a registered dietician, psychologist, or medical doctor. I'm not trained to deal with addictions or eating disorders.

However, I've read a lot on the topic, including the opinions of many experts, many of whom are RDs and/or PhDs, and some of whom have successfully helped thousands of people with these problems. And I like this take on the subject of food addiction. In short, at Green Mountain they teach, among other things, that:

The concept of addiction to food is disempowering, as it teaches us that we don't know how to care for ourselves in the most basic sense (nurture ourselves, feed ourselves).
More often than not, the issue is not with biochemical addiction to a particular food, but with the process of overeating, with thought patterns and with emotional well-being.
If we deal with root issues, problems with food can be overcome.
That feelings of deprivation are often a trigger for binge eating.
and, best of all
Once people begin to truly care for themselves at the most essential level, they can learn to enjoy 1/2 cup of chocolate ice cream or a banana nut muffin without going off the deep end.

There are a whole range of opinions and behaviors surrounding self-care vis a vis food, and I believe that we each need to do what works for us at the point of need.

shout out to girls at the gym

2005-10-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

To the women I see doing biceps curls and shoulder press with 5-pound dumbells and never going any heavier: you're wasting your time, girlfriends.

Here's the deal: you're stronger than that. Resistance training requires progressive overload of the muscle fibers or it doesn't do much for you.

What that means is that you have to push harder than the stage you're already at.

That means you need to select a weight that is somewhat difficult for you to pick up, and pick it up several times, until the muscle is pretty irritated with you. Rest, repeat. Do that 3-4 times per exercise, 3-5 exercises per body part, preferably not all on the same day, 1-2 times per week.

You can already lift 5-pounds and carry it without a problem, probably for hours. Here are a few things that weigh more than 5-pounds:

a bag of groceries (usually)
most cute little dogs that you might want to put in a designer Pucci bag and carry around
the vacuum cleaner
a stack of 3 or 4 books
a gallon bottle of water
probably your gym bag
most possibly your purse
a baby

Get the picture? You've gotta step it up a notch or you might as well stay home and do wrist curls with the remote. I promise you won't get big. I'm no Mindi O'Brien, but I am pretty built for a chick. You may find my level of muscularity not to your aesthetic preference - that's just fine. I promise, you won't get delts, pecs or traps like mine unless you work out with heavy weights 4 or 5 days per week, really know what you're doing (or hire a trainer), and happen to be a mesomorph.

To all you women in the 'boy's room' of the gym who are pushing yourself to be stronger and healthier, whether that means you start your workout with 5-pound dumbells or 40s: I love your spirit!

From part-time bodybuilders to Olympic sprinters, from full-time mothers to CEOs, from chefs to spiritual leaders - STRONG WOMEN ROCK!

(in the gym and out)

(my man thinks so, too)

and now a word from our sponsor

2005-10-19T04:25:00.000-07:00

Like most days, I did some laundry one day a couple of weeks ago (when does the laundry breed? I'm going to sit and watch one day to find out). I schlepped it up the stairs and dumped the baskets of warm sheets and clothes in the bedroom. When I came up a couple of hours later to go to bed, I found the piglet curled up as tiny as she could, in one of the laundry baskets. She's looking at me like: you weren't planning to make me move, were you (asshole)?

Hmmm, can I tie this into food and fitness somehow . . . . . ? Nope, not this early in the morning. But I do gather a lot of inspiration from this puppy of mine. She is so close to her own nature, nothing gets in the way. Here are a few of the lessons she's given me:

Food is good, but playtime is even better.
My body is like a hot sportscar, and I can't wait to take it out for a whirl.
Guilt? Is that like how I'm supposed to feel when I know I wasn't supposed to get on the counter and eat the cheese but do it anyhow because it's cheeeeesey-licious? Hmmmm . . . did you say cheese?
Exercise? What's exercise? I want to RUN!
There are some foods that are worth a tummy ache, and some that aren't.

Hmmm . . . many more, I'm sure, but it's time for COFFEE!

starting a fitness program - and enjoying it

2005-10-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

Fitness doesn't have to totally suck. I promise.

You might not believe me, but that's OK. Just read on.

Here's what I've discovered in myself and observed in others. When most people start an exercise program, they exercise too hard too soon. This doesn't feel good.

Later, they don't progress their program, and plateau at the same moderate level of fitness. That's ok, but it doesn't feel as great as it could.

First of all, let's bash one misconception. I want you to know that being very fit doesn't mean you have to work out all the flipping time. But Ellie, you might ask why do I meet so many people who seem obsessed with working out and spend oodles of time at it? That's because once you get into it, it feels so dang good, you might want to do more. For some people, it becomes more than a physical need - it becomes a social outlet, spiritual food, legal/healthy alternative to mind-numbing drugs, and way of life.

But you don't have to worry about that right now. Right now, let's keep it light.

Today I'm going to write about how to do this if you're just starting out. Maybe you used to be fit and let it slip, maybe you've never picked up anything heavier than your remote control and aerobic exercise means there wasn't a parking space right in front of the grocery store. (nb: if you used to be in shape, but got out of shape because, like me, you had really important career stuff to attend to [yawn!], it's even more important to progress slowly, because you remember how much you used to be able to do and could hurt yourself - believe me, I know.)

Here's a suggested progression:

Make a list of ways of moving that you would enjoy. Some possibilities:
-walking the dog or walking with friends or just walking
-roller skating/blading
-dancing
-dancing around the house in your skivvies, wowing the cat with your slick breakdance moves
-yoga
-hiking in a beautiful location
-putting on boxing gloves, punching a bag, and pretending it's your first boy/girlfriend, the one who ditched you for the girl/guy with all the Izod shirts and the name-brand boat shoes
-disco ping pong
-tennis, but the goal is NOT to hit the ball
-gardening
-aerobic housekeeping (and reach and put that plate away, ladies and gentlemen! Now, three sets of vacuum pushing on each side and we're done for the day!)
-boot camp for TV-holics: each commercial break do one exercise such as pushups (start with wall pushups), jumping jacks, ab crunches, triceps dips on the couch, curl cans of soup, speed squats, lunges around the perimeter of the room, or whatever else you dream up. The goal is to do 20 reps, then yell "woo hoo!" and switch seats on the couch with other people in the room (or yourself, you count) before the show starts again.
-pretend to be Bruce Lee. Say things like "I've come to avenge my family honor!" and do air kicks, spins, and fast punches. Be careful not to throw a shoulder out. Uh- better shut the blinds, too, some people might not understand your Superman underoos.

Whatever! The point is just move. It doesn't have to be serious. It just needs to make your blood move faster than sitting on your butt. You can do this stuff alone, with friends or family, in a class setting, at home, in a gym (except for the ones involving wearing only underwear, most gyms frown on that), outside (skivvy rule applies here also) or any combination thereof.
Type up your list. OK, pshew, that's the only serious part. Now, save your list. Call it something like "Ellie's secret master plan to take over the world via superstrong deltoids and a much improved VO2 max" or "Project Hot Body."
Print several copies of your list. Buy a cute little binder to store them. Get some stickers to put on it. Make a label with the project name on it. Put it in a place of honor, next to your prom photo and your Star Wars action figures that you pretend belong to the kids. Or just print it out and put it on the fridge.
For the first week, do something on the list for 10 minutes, 3 times. Don't do more. I repeat: don't do more. Don't let yourself do more.

What, you want to do more? Hah! Tricked ya!

Check items off as you do them. Each worksheet is a week. Date the worksheet and save it. Make notes on the sheet about how you feel before/after, how you're sleeping, how your body is changing, health notes, emotions, etc. and save them to review later. You can switch around items on your list, it doesn't have to be the same thing each time.
Week two: 15 minutes, 3 times/week.
Week 3: 20 minutes (or split into 2 10-minute things), 3 times/week.
Week 4: 20 minutes (or split into 2 10-minute things), 4 times.
Weeks 5+: every time you do 10 minutes, put a check mark next to an item on the list. Make it a goal to put 10 checkmarks up there each week, spread out over at least 3 days. If you do 10, do a little victory dance or a cheerleading routine. If you do more than 10, give yourself some kind of a treat for each 10-minute increment. Treats can be free or can cost less than $5. Some ideas:

-a gold star. Hey, it works for kids.
-a half an hour of TV!
-a 10-minute nap
-a 'get out of jail free pass' on the housework - had anybody ever actually died because the dishes piled up?
-a glitter pen in your favorite color
-a magazine you love!
-read a really terrible novel for 10-minutes
-a hot bath
-a bath item from the kids aisle at Target: a rubber ducky, bubbles (try the colored kind), soap pens to write on the walls, soap body paints
-or save up your $5's and get something nice: a cute outfit, a massage, fancy new shampoo, or (this is my favorite) pay a housekeeper to clean your house once.

The point isn't that you have to earn these things in order to deserve them, the point is that it's a game, and it's FUN!
If you find yourself getting too serious or not looking forward to your movement time, revisit your list and rate each movement item from 1-5, 1 being "I do this because it's good for me" and 5 being "that's not exercise, it's PLAYTIME!." Now, cross any items off that rate less than a 3.
Revisit your list once a month and see if there's anything new you can add. Maybe you'd like to try a kickboxing class and get in touch your your inner Michelle Yeoh (or Jackie Chan, as the case may be). Or perhaps you'd like to meet a friend (or friends) at the gym and see who can pick up more total weight in 30 minutes, winner gets something cool - like their dog washed or a ride to the gym next time or gets to wear the fake diamond tiara from the $1 store or something.

That's it! Do this program for 3 months - just *3 short months* and if you don't like it, you can go back to watching "Saved by the Bell" reruns, I won't give you any flack - and see if you don't sleep better, feel like eating healthier foods, have more energy, sit better for meditation (if you do that sort of thing), and more.

Oh, and I'd love to hear how it goes!

why women should weigh as much as they possibly can

2005-10-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's true. Whether you are male or female, it's best to weigh as much as you can while maintaining your desired level of body fat.

I hope that this isn't big news to anybody. I still hear women talk a lot about 'losing weight,' so I thought I'd drive the point home with some examples.

Four years ago, I weighed in at 165 and had 32% body fat (that level of fat, while not healthy, is not atypical - I did not look fat, just maybe a bit chubby). To maintain that weight, presuming that I was not moving around much, I got to eat about 1900 calories a day.

If I did a cardiovascular exercise program and watched my food intake until I weighed, say, 125 and could wear size 6 jeans, I would be quite happy. I would have reduced the amount of fat in my body. But I also would have reduced the amount of muscle in my body, because the body is more than willing to give up muscle if you aren't using it. Let's assume I didn't starve myself and therefore didn't lose -too- much muscle. Let's say that my body fat percentage is now 22%, a good healthy number.

Except that I now only get to eat 1700 calories per day to maintain my weight (plus whatever I burn exercising). And with each passing year, I will get to eat fewer calories because my body composition will naturally change as I age.

OK, then. Here's what I did instead. I did cardiovascular exercise, but I also did a resistance training program three days per week. I now weigh 136 and have about 18% body fat.

I now get to eat 1900 calories per day to maintain my weight, plus whatever I burn. That's the same number of calories as when I weighed almost 20 pounds more! And because I'm not dragging around 52.8 pounds of fat, I have a lot more energy to do fun things that burn calories!

Two-hundred extra calories per day may not sound like a lot, but it's: a slice of pepperoni pizza, 1/2 cup of chocolate ice cream (or a cup of lowfat frozen yogurt with an ounce of m and m's or 1/4 cup granola), three big apples, an ounce of walnuts, a chocolate chip cookie, 3+ ounces of salmon, 3 ounces top sirloin steak, 6 cups of chopped broccoli, a cup of cereal with milk . . . or imagine what I could do with those calories if I saved them up for a week?

The extra calories my body burns give me pleasure, keep my belly happy, and give me more options for satisfying my nutritional needs.

And, get this: I'm now a size 4. I am skinnier than I would be if I weighed 11 pounds less.

We've all heard that muscle weighs more than fat. It's true. A pound of muscle is about a third of the size of a pound of fat. And I'm sure you've heard that a pound of muscle burns 35+ calories per day, whereas fat tissue just sort of sits there and looks blobby (actually, it burns some calories, just not many - a few per hour). So if I have more lean body mass, I burn more calories just sitting on my butt. Plus, if I keep at it, I don't lose that typical 1/2 pound of muscle per year that decreases my caloric needs.

But wait, there's more. Resistance training is good for lots of reasons, some of which haven't been discovered yet. A few off the top of my head: higher bone density, fewer joint problems, decreased depression, and a lower risk of diabetes and heart disease. Plus you get to pick things up that other people can't, like your 50 pound squirming pit bull. And then there's some cool stuff that's technical and/or still undergoing research, like the effects of muscle mass on the hormones that control aging and how strength training effects the energy production within your cells.

Cardiovascular training is important. It builds some muscle, it keeps your heart strong, and it does all sorts of other good things for your body. But strength training is key for health and weight loss/maintenance.

The cool thing is that you don't have to spend hours in the gym every week to get these benefits! I'll write about how much and getting started later this week.

the "D" word

2005-10-07T05:18:00.000-07:00

The cover of Oriah Mountain Dreamer's book The Dance says:

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

And that, I believe, begins a conversation about the difference between will power and discipline.

Will power means gritting your teeth and getting something difficult done. That's necessary somteimes. It's a powerful force, the will, but it's draining to use it very often.

Discipline is making time, saving energy, creating space, to do the things that matter to you, that make you more you.

For instance, I am working to create time to meditate and read inspirational stuff daily, which has been difficult. But when I do it, my life flows better, I am full of inspiration and ideas, and I am a much more joyful person. Oh, and I sleep better, that's a plus.

Why is it difficult? I can think of two possible reasons, probably both true. One, it's always hard to build a new habit - it takes persistence and planning. Two, I think sometimes our little "s" selves resist moving in the direction of our highest good (towards revealing our big "S" Selves) because it entails a lot of responsibility. I'll think more on that and write about it in another post.

Some people are shocked at my discipline in regard to food and fitness. I lift weights and run 5 days a week. I get up gawdawefulearly to do it. I pack my food up the night before and stick to an eating plan. Right now, at least, I don't deviate from that plan. What I do is not outrageous, but it is disciplined.

But you see, it's easy for me. Because a) I've already built the habits and b) this is not about willpower. It's about discipline. Discipline to be more me.

A mentor I've never met, Dave Draper, writes in his latest newsletter:

I treated the gym as a refuge and my training as a gift. I relaxed, settled into my workouts without pressure, allowed them to happen -- I relied on them -- and they happened very well.

Yes, yes, and yes.

The take-home lesson?

If building a habit (or giving one up) is difficult or uncomfortable, that's normal. You can design support structures and strategies to make it easier. I am, for instance, reading and meditating each night before bed. The structure of that schedule is helping me to incorporate something new into my life. I may also find a friend to do discuss the reading with once a week, so that I'll have added incentive to have done it.

However, if building your new habit feels like pushing a boulder up a hill each day, it may be that you need to take a hard look at your goal and see if it's the right one.

change your mind, change your booty

2005-10-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

A study published in the March 2005 issue of the Journal of the American Dietetic Association observed 48 obese men and women over 8 weeks while dieting. Apparently, those who believed that their weight was under their control lost more weight.

Imagine that.

an inside job

2005-10-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

I live in Southern California. I drive quite a bit - maybe an hour a day. I listen to talk radio on occasion.

The other day I was listening to some call-in doctor show. I don't even know the name of the doctor, but people called with their health problems and he made suggestions.

A woman in her 50's called complaining that her breasts were getting larger, uncomfortably so, though she had not changed weight. What could be causing this?

The doctor hemmed and hawed and said something about fat 'sucking' and redistributing in women as they age due to hormonal changes, and made a joke about how a lot of women would love to have her problem.

Hunh?

There's a principle in logic called Occam's Razor which says that given two equally predictive theories, choose the simpler. In other words, "when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." In other words, keep it simple, doc.

Adults over age 25 gain a pound a year on average. Most adults who don't resistance train also lose about 1/2 pound of muscle per year (which means that if a person gains one pound per year s/he is gaining 1.5 pounds of fat. If a person stays the same weight, s/he gains 1/2 pound of fat; low-calorie diets increase muscle loss).

This woman said that she was not gaining weight, so either she exercises, diets, or she's a self-modulating eater (some people are, and the rest of us don't like them much).

But I'd put money down that if she exercises, it's cardio training, not resistance training; that her body composition is changing as she ages; and the added fat is going right to her chest. Breasts are a common place for women to store extra fat. I know this from experience - I went down a cup size and a half when I went from 32% to 18% body fat.

The doctor did not ask if the caller exercised and how. He didn't suggest that she have her body composition tested. He didn't let her know that higher than healthy body fat percentages might increase her odds of cancer, cardiovascular disease, joint problems, osteoporosis, and a host of other illnesses.

More importantly, he didn't empower her to take charge of her own body. To increase the probability of vibrant health now and as the years go by. To stand tall and walk strong.

Did he not know this, or was he just so enamored of the complex (and admittedly sometimes invaluable) information in his well-educated head that he forgot about the simple, intrinsic wisdom of the body?

Was the fact that this woman probably had the answer she needed right there in her own power unfathomable?

I get help with my health when I need it. I've needed it often. There's a lot to be said for book learnin'.

I also ditch health professionals that don't empower me to care for myself.

Because in the end, the solutions are always inside of me. I just have to find them.

changing my mind

2005-09-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

There was a time when being told to stick to a stringent nutrition plan would have
set.
me.
off.

I simply couldn't sustain being told what to do, whether by another person, a book, or by a part of myself. Within about three days, I would have decided that losing the excess fat wasn't nearly as important as, say, a carne asada burritto from Tommy's Tex Mex.

I lost weight -quite a lot of it- through careful experimentation. I learned to eat more protein, not to be afraid of fat in moderate amounts, and to eat in ways that fed both my body and my mind. I learned that I didn't have to deprive myself of ice cream or anything else. I learned to love moving my body.

But now I am seeing a nutritionist. I'm doing this because I am going to be one soon, and I wouldn't expect other people to spend money on something I haven't invested in. Plus, I am learning stuff. Plus, I've been working on these last few pounds for awhile now, I may as well just get it over with.

This plan is very stringent. The meals are written for me and I sometimes eat the exact same thing for two days in a row. Eating out is not an option, except as a cheat meal, and cheat meals are to be minimized. So far I haven't felt any need to cheat.

So what's changed?

First, this is a very good plan. The guy I'm seeing took my tastes into account, so all the foods are yummy. The meals are balanced very carefully so that I don't get at all hungry. My energy is even, my digestion is good, and I sleep well at night. I -feel- great on this plan, so it's easy to do. It's easy to give up restaurant foods for awhile, to stick to a controlled schedule, to give up a few freedoms, when they payoff is this big. I'm happy to eat my 3.75 ounces of top sirloin, .5 cups of cooked peas, .5 cup of black beans and 2 tablespoons of lowfat dressing for dinner, because I know I'm feeding my body exactly what it needs.

But also, I've changed. I don't think this would have worked for me even a year ago. There's a difference in my perceptions. In the past this would have felt like a diet; it would have felt imposed; I would have rebelled.

In contrast, right now, with this mindset, this plan makes me feel like I'm caring for myself. It feels good.

But I couldn't just force that change, it was a process.

Changes can be immediate and miraculous, or they can be slower and incremental, but they are always organic. They are never achieved through force of will.

How does one change, then? Well, heck, that's my whole reason for being here, to explore that topic. I think that there are many avenues, and that a big one is getting all of the pieces of oneself to talk to one another. So, I might actually write a letter from one part of myself to another.

"Hey Self1," I might write in my journal "this is Self2. I don't feel so good with this excess weight, but you keep making me crave ice cream. What's up with that? Do you not want to feel lighter and freer?" and soforth. I might write a brief letter like this each evening, from one part of myself to another, until I hit on something interesting.

And shedding light on an inner conflict is almost always the start of a huge change.

At that point, you get to just sit back and watch and smile.

And then start again.

building a foundation

2005-09-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

It's shocking to me how many people I meet that allow themselves to be in crippling pain.

I hear some people talk about their knees/shoulder/back/neck/acupuncture/whatever and I just want to cram the business card of every great physician/physical therapist/chiropractor/massage therapist/whatever that I know into their pocket and yell 'GO GET HELP! YOU'RE WORTH IT! HERE - BORROW MY CELL PHONE!'

When I do mention that I might know somebody who can help, it's with trepidation, because almost invariably, they aren't interested.

I've been in pain so bad it was hard to walk. I've had hip pain that finally healed after 12 years, thousands of dollars, many doctors, and a heck of a lot of commitment. I've had elbow tendonitis that hurt so much I cried myself to sleep at night, both with the ache in the flesh and the ache of frustration. I've had such a weak back that an overzealous hug from my man would dislocate a rib and I'd be down for days.

Having been through this, I wonder how anybody could give up when there might be a solution. Do people get attached to their aches and pains? If they healed, would they have to do something bigger with their life? Or is it a lack of empowerment - they've been told that their body is going to fall apart and there's nothing they can do? Do they not think they're worth it? Do they prefer being in pain to doing the work necessary to heal (because you can get help, but ultimately most of the work is on your end)? Or are they going through something that I can't see, and one day they'll wake up ready to start to heal? What's up?

And, believe me, I don't let myself off the hook. The physical plane is only one aspect of this equation. I've likely got pains on other levels that I'm lugging around like an ugly old vinyl suitcase held together with duct tape, and I suspect certain others may wonder why I don't just set that danged suitcase down, it's falling apart anyhow, and I could sure fly faster and further without it.

But I deal mostly in the physical, and here's what I want everybody to know: in most cases, you don't have to hurt forever. There is help available. If your HMO sucks, learn to be assertive. If you need to spend some money on getting better, what better investment is there? If you need to do this on your own, there is a huge amount of information out there, start looking for it. Talk to people. Tell people what's going on.

You are worth it.

You are.

Backing up a step

2005-09-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Some of what I write is serious and has consequence, at least to me. Much of what I write is meant to be humorous. A lot of my writing is just plain silly.

Life is about a lot of things. Humor, fun, frivolity - these are important components of life.

But I want to acknowledge that it feels a little weird to write in a light-hearted vein right now. I mean, what with all the suffering of late.

In thinking about this, and talking to a friend, it occurred to me that there is suffering in the world all of the time. Hurricane or no, terrorism or no, poverty or no - there is always suffering.

Suffering can vary in many ways such as intensity, suddenness, and sheer volume. And when it is happening here in our own country it seems much more shocking than when it is happening in Rwanda. But there hasn't been a time in human history when nobody was suffering a grief. It's the human condition.

I do not mean to negate or belittle suffering. I do not mean that we should not think about it or do something where we can. I am simply saying that it is.

And to get past that condition? I think that's what in some traditions they call enlightenment. It's a great goal, but it's a big time commitment.

The amazing thing is, as I was reminded by a wise woman this Sunday, we are these glorious creatures who can hold many truths in our consciousness at the same time.

So, while there is always suffering in the world, there is also always room for the other aspects of life.

There is room for love, there is room for joy. There is room for frivolity.

There is room for laughter.

yin and yang

2005-09-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sunday night was a planned cheat meal, and for dessert I made the world's best chocolate chip cookies, served with coconut ice cream. Oh my Gawd, they were good.

On the other side of the spectrum, this stuff tastes so nasty it should come with a warning label. But boy, does it give me a boost.

rhythms of change

2005-08-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Recovery from my hip/low back injuries was a looooong slow process (12 years). Same with my elbow tendon injury, though that was only about a year.

One of the steps along the way for me is this point where I get a clear picture of what it would look like to live without that pain. What would it feel like, how would I move, how would I get out of bed in the morning, dance, run, play, make love, eat, breathe.

Would I wear my hair the same way without back pain? Would I have the same job?

These may seem like silly questions to ask about a body ache, but the thing is, I don't think so. Our bodies are the vehicles through which we outpicture our spiritual existence, and being in pain - or feeling blissful - impacts who we are, how we interact with others, the choices we make.

Any actor knows the impact of adding a limp, a facial tic, or a slumped posture on character. Character is not just about acting, it's about who you are. And we've all probably felt fat or frumpy on a particular day, for whatever reason, and then, again for whatever reason (a sincere compliment, a bit of well-applied self talk, a good workout, etc.) felt like a shiny god(dess).

Back when my hips and back hurt, as I was doing yoga, I would ask myself those questions about how it would look/feel to be without the pain. Free my inner Mind said. Free free free free free free free. I would run, jump, dance, and sit with exuberance. I would be unconstrained and full of childish laughter. I would be fearless. I would never have heard of fear.

And it is wonderful to put on running shoes and just go, without fear of pain, just the air in my lungs, the sound of my heart beating. It is wonderful to move freely. It is affecting the choices I make each day and how I interact with the world and people in it. It has freed me up for something new and wonderful that's just beginning. It's about much more than physical pain - or, rather, my body isn't separate from my mind or my spirit.

These things are layered, in my experience. Get rid of one pain or emotional constriction, start working on the next. That sounds sort of depressing, but it's not. It's wonderful. Because each step reveals a precious layer of essential, pure self. It's always there, it's never gone, but it's constricted, bound up, and it feels so good to rediscover it.

And that pure self? It's always giving you taps on the shoulder. Helloooooo it might say could we please take care of this issue so we can be even more joyful and free? Don't mind me, I'm just going to give you this little migraine to get your attention. Love you, g'night!

Last night my incredible, wonderful, gorgeous new girlfriend Aleila gave me the most blissful 2 hour massage I've ever had. I've had a lot of massages. And I've had long massages, and wonderful massages. But this massage, it was deeper than muscles and tendons and joints. I had that experience I mentioned earlier, of beginning to picture what it would be like to live without a pain.

What would it be like, my inner self asked, to live without always trying to control the world around you and everything in it. What would it feel like not to manage other people's emotions and reactions? What would it be like to be yourself one-hundred percent, straight from the heart? How would it feel to allow a bit of chaos around you and know that you're still grounded in yourself. How would all of that feel?

Like God exhaling, so deep and complete.
Pure release.

I slipped into sleep like diving under a warm ocean wave. I slept cradled in the rhythm of that wave. I woke up with the sound of the ocean in my eardrums, the rhythm in my blood, a drumbeat calling me home.

This is the house that jane built

2005-08-17T02:42:00.000-07:00

When the subject of bodybuilding comes up, most of us think of Arnold Schwarzenegger or, for those who occasionally read muscle magazines, Ronnie Coleman.

Traditionally, bodybuilding refers to weight training and manipulation of dietary intake with the purpose of developing a particular physique. Participants liken it to a sculptor carving and adding clay to create the perfect form, only the medium is one's own body. This is not the same as either Olympic weightlifting or powerlifting, which are sports that emphasize sheer strength and the technique of the actual lift. The aesthetic that professional bodybilders aspire to is determined in large part by the trends of the day, and has tended towards the HUGE in recent years - though muscular balance is also important in judging.

It's a sport, there's money in it if you're dedicated (and genetically gifted and, in many cases, willing to take illegal drugs) , and that's all well and good if that's your thing.

But most of us in the weight room are not trying to turn ourselves into super(wo)man, nor do we expect to be paid for our efforts. Yet we are all intent on building our bodies, to one end or another.

The amazing thing about the physical body is that it is in constant flux. Every few years, every cell in our body is replaced - we have, in effect, a totally fresh body. And what this body feels like, looks like, and can do is very much up to us.

Our bodies, like our minds, like our lives, like everything, respond to our actions and beliefs.

When I pick up a 20-pound dumbell in one hand and curl it 10 times, I'm telling the muscle fibers in my biceps brachii that I need them to be stronger, as there will be things to pick up and carry. I'm also telling my brain that it needs to get used to doing this, as we'll be doing it often.

Conversely, if I -don't- use the muscles in my arm, my body figures I don't need them and conserves energy by allowing them to atrophy. My brain, also, becomes flacid if I don't work towards goals and build habits.

Not that weight lifting is the only way to train your body and mind. It's just one of my favorites.

So, back to bodybuilding. I am building a body that meets my needs. I want to be strong and lean into old age. I want to feel good and not be injured. I want to experience the exhileration of my heart pumping fast and hard as I run along the beach. I want to be able to lift and move heavy things so that I can be a good partner to my man, so that I have the power to affect my world without asking for help.

Do I care how I look? Yes. I want my belly to be flat, my muscles defined. Do I want to look like a supermodel? No, it doesn't occur to me to compare myself to anybody else. I want to look like the very best me, the strongest, leanest, most disciplined me.

I am building a body that expresses who I am.

I am building the house that I want to live in.

Mind games

2005-08-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

9/10ths of fitness is about my brain, not my body.

Oh yeah, I've got to do the work to get the results. But my body, while it does fatigue, it does demand good nutrition, and it does need care, is pretty resilient. Even an injured body can do a lot when coupled with a well-trained consciousness.

My mind, on the other hand, can be an obedient slave or a petty master.

The brain is like a puppy. It needs to be trained. If it doesn't think you're strong enough to take control, it'll try. And the brain, like a puppy, is ill-equipped to deal with the challenges of running your life.

Example:

Brain says: cardio is boring. Let's eat sour cream 'n' onion potato chips and Chunky Monkey ice cream and watch Chasing Amy again.

-I say: look here, brain, you have an Ipod and over 4000 songs. Take 20 minutes, make yourself a new play list, and huck to it.

-I say: just 20 minutes. OK! We did 20, just 10 more.

-I say: see here, I bet you can't work up from a 10 minute mile to an 8 minute mile over 12 minutes, hold it for 6 minutes, then work your way down. Nah, that'd be tooooo hard.

-I say: ok, well . . . I was thinking about buying us some new jeans in a size 4, but it looks like you don't want to fit into them anyhow . . .

-I say: sure. Let's just finish these hand-coded HTML tables instead. And make sure they're Section 508 compliant. That'll be fun!

-I say: ok, but I saw that new girl from the office at the gym the other day . . . I guess she's just more into it than you are.

Brain says: Wait! Did you SEE the size of that antelope over there! Oh look, my running shoes! Let's put them on!

And so we do.

Claiming my space

2005-08-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

I've heard a lot of women say it:

"I don't lift weights much, I don't want to bulk up."

Dude, I've lifted weights steadily for 4 years, and have gone down 5 sizes. Where's the bulk? I'm de-bulking.

I'm curious about why so many women believe that they shouldn't be strong and have muscles.

To back up a bit - I am fully in support of any aesthetic an individual wants to have. I mean, people wear those crazy tribal ear . . . things (what are those called?) and I figure that's just none of my business. I think skinny girls with straight-up-and-down arms look anemic and sad, but who asked me? Not everybody would agree with me that this is about as gorgeous as a female body gets.

Amanda Savell didn't get that body by curling 10-pound dumbells a couple of times a week. She did it through assiduous and targeted bodybuilding techniques, a nutritional regime that would blow your mind, and probably an intensive cardio training program. And that photo is of her in competition condition, which she'll probably maintain for a few weeks, just long enough to get through the season before macking on a burger, fries, and large milkshake.

OK, back to taking up space. I don't believe that media images have much to do with an adult woman's estimation of her own attractiveness. After all, most straight women have discovered that real men like real women, with flesh, blood, and pretty bits to tease them with - not that we need masculine approval, mind you. The media annoys me for many, many reasons, but I don't hold them responsible for reflecting back at us a cultural obession with a rather odd feminine ideal.

Where am I going with this . . . let's see . . . individual aesthetics, Amanda Savell, media images . . . oh yeah! While I respect every woman's right to make choices about her body, I wonder why so many think that muscles are unattractive or unfeminine on a woman.

What's unattractive about slowing the aging process down by increasing cell mitochondria, improving blood lipid profiles, decreasing the risk of Type 2 diabetes, and maintaining good bone mass? What's unattractive about maintaining a healthy body weight well past middle age? What's unattractive or unfeminine about being able to haul a package or pick up a child?

My literary theory days are long over - it makes my head hurt to even think of discussing the heuristics of the post-structuralist gender politics innate in the boundary transgressions of the female athlete, or whatever, but Krista's got some interesting analysis on her site.

I'm just here to tell my story, and maybe I'll even tie it up into some kind of a point at the end.

I spent the first 12 or 13 years of my life just living in my body, eating and moving like a normal kid, enjoying being in human form. At 13 somehow I got the message I didn't have a right to take up space on the planet.

Or something.

To make a long story short, I dieted my way down to a good 15 pounds below a healthy body weight. I wasn't ever sick, but I was too thin, I was hungry all the time, and I was annoyingly obsessed. I don't honestly know how anybody could stand to be around me. And yet, I've never gotten more positive feedback. Not for anything I've done with my brain, not for any creative work, not for graduating from college, getting a Master's degree, or landing my first real job.

Certainly not for being the glorious expression of God that I am.

I'm all grown now, and I don't need external feedback to feel good about myself (though compliments are always thoroughly enjoyed). Yes, I still am into my body, that's true. Actually, I'm into ALL bodies, I love the complexity and primacy of the human machine. I am a very physical person, and you know I like to push myself hard. But now that energy is channeled into doing something for myself, not in an attempt to chisel away at my own being.

I can't say what women are feeling or thinking inside when they express that they don't want to build lean, healthy tissue. Are they seriously concerned that they'll wake up looking like Lisa Bavington in competition form? Do they just not want to do it? Is their aesthetic just plain different from mine?

Or did they, too, get the message that they aren't allowed to take up space?

It's true, my pants size has gone down dramatically over the past four years, and my body fat percentage is getting lower daily. But you know what?

I take up more space now than I ever have.

And damn, it feels good.

Sit down here and get comfy, I'll tell you a little story

2005-08-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, I was a very bad kid indeed (-I- would have sent me to military school).

An example of this is that I used to go running before school with my friend Cindy, then pop by the cafeteria for a cup of coffee and head out to the curb near the high school for a cigarette. I won't go into all of my other deviances today, because we're going to talk more about that running thing.

So, despite some of my poor health habits (e.g. smoking camel straights in a hard pack, which at the time were 99 cents a pack at the Circle K, and which they sold to me, a 15 year old, back before that was a shooting offense), I was relatively fit. I ran, I lifted weights, I took ballet and modern dance, I did yoga, I did aerobics. This was not for health reasons, mind you, it was because I was obsessed with being thin (very very thin, though not quite anorexic). But I got the health benefits of the exercise nonetheless.

When I went to college, I majored in English literature, for reasons that are unavailable to me now. Living in Eugene Oregon, I didn't need to actually smoke weed to get a contact high, but smoke it I did. Needless to say, sitting on my butt reading, writing, and taking bong-hits took a front seat to fitness.

I gained some weight, but I still looked good - I was young and lush of form, I could get away with these things. But, at some point I decided to take steps to get back into shape.

The problem with a person who used to be fit starting an exercise program after a 4 year hiatus from any movement at all is that said person may not realize that she has to take it very very slowly. I signed up for a jogging class. The class simply involved jogging - no stretching, no strengthening, no information on warming up or building up to 3 miles.

Within days, I had extreme pain in my hips and low back right around the sacroiliac joint. It was a crippling pain, and walking was difficult. I was 22 years old.

And thus began a journey of 12 years.

Over time, I saw a variety of practitioners and tried a variety of therapies. An incomplete list includes:

- At least 5 chiropractors
- A sports medicine doctor who told me that my symptoms were impossible
- A sports medicine doctor who wanted to inject bursae in my hips with saline solution to re-injure them so that they would heal properly - a procedure which he invented and I (thankfully) declined.
- At least four physical therapists
- Massage therapists out the wazoo
- Hundreds of hours of physical therapy exercises, stretches, yoga, and probably some other stuff I can't remember.

The pain was alternately bearable and horrible through all of these treatments until, at age 30, I hired a personal trainer and learned how to get myself fit. I lost most of the pounds I had put on during that time and packed on enough muscle to help stabilize my hips and low back.

But, the pain would recur if I overdid it, and I knew that I could never run again. Every time I tried, my hips would sieze up and I'd be crippled with pain for a week.

I love to run - it's free, it's childlike, it's primal. It's my favorite exercise next to picking heavy things up and putting them down again.

Jump forward. I'm 33, and I've injured my elbow tendon at work typing too danged much. My doctor sends me to acupuncture, then to physical therapy. Except these therapists aren't like any I've met before. They're working in an entirely different paradigm, which I can't go into because it'd make my little story too long, but it fixed my elbow (which, by that point, I sincerely thought would never get better, and which was another source of depression and weight gain, though not as severe).

So, I spoke to Mike, my therapist, about my hips. And whether I could ever run again.

"Sure," he said. And he told me about his wife, who couldn't run around the block when they met in PT school due to knee pain, and recently ran a 1/2 marathon. So I signed up. Within a month or so, if I did my exercises assiduously, I was able to run a few miles a week on soft surfaces. This was a major victory. But the pain didn't completely go away, and I had to be vigilant about stretching and PT. Some days I felt good, some days I felt about 90 years old. I began to wonder if running was worth the hassle and pain.

So . . . cut to a few months ago of this year. I'm at a used bookstore where I like to trade in my have-reads for new to-reads, and I saw a book called The Wharton's Stretch Book. Me being a fitness-obsessed sort of a girl who likes to build her personal library of exercise and nutrition books, I picked it up and looked it over. I saw new info in there that seemed worth a couple of bucks. Maybe it would be useful for a client. I took it home and put it on the shelf.

Then one day I sat down and read it. And I did the stretches.

The next day, I had no pain.

Hmm, I thought. So I went for a run. And stretched again.

No pain.

I have tried this experiment multiple times, with the same results. I can hill run, I can run on pavement. I can trail run. I am a running fool. I'm running anywhere from 6 to 10 miles per week - I could do more, but resistance training is more important to me right now.

Was everything else I did a waste of time and money? Some of it was a detour in my journey to health, but I know that much of it was crucial to my healing. I think of it like a deadbolt lock. The key has to press each pin. Yoga pushed one of the pins. Chiropractic, especially when I started going regularly, was another piece of they key. This latest round of PT pushed another. the stretching routine was the last, and - click- healing was unlocked in a miraculously short amount of time.

Why do I write this? Because sometimes when people (like me) fail at healing, at weight loss, at whatever, they give up. They think nothing will work. They think they've tried, and oh well, I guess there are worse things than not running/being unhealthily overweight/knee pain, etc. Like me, they may get frustrated and low-grade depressed.

Thing is, you may not be failing. You may be succeeding in pushing consecutive pins in that deadbolt, but you won't see the benefits till you find that last piece to push the last pin.

Huh, my metaphor could use some work maybe. But you see what I'm saying?

Tipping point

2005-08-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

I get an email newsletter called The Daily OM. I often tuck the newsletter away in a special email folder because the ideas are so interesting from a personal growth and coaching perspective. Today's article is called Breaking the Wave and describes how large-scale societal change can happen in a viral manner - a few people start to do yoga, a few more - and suddenly, everybody you know is doing yoga. These shifts can be small or breathtaking - from the popularity of Pilates to the fall of the Berlin wall.

I love this concept for at least two reasons. One, it speaks to how societal change can happen, and can be encouraged, without government intervention. I deeply believe in individual liberty even when I violently disagree with the individual in question. (And yes, I know that the government was involved in the fall of the wall, but it happened as a result of a change in consciousness).

I also love this concept because it describes the way transformation happens in an individual. We do these things to promote change. Perhaps they are physical, such as exercise of various sorts and eating differently. Perhaps they are emotional, such as seeing a therapist or reaching out to friends. Perhaps they are spiritual, such as meditation or seeking a group of people to worship with. Or some combination.

And we do these things, gradually increasing the duration, the amount, the intensity. Gradually making working on more and deeper habits and habitual ways of thinking.

And we may see benefits, but they seem small in proportion to the amount of work. And sometimes we see none at all. Even when we see large benefits, it doesn't feel like a transformation. Where's my transformation, you might ask? I'm doing all the work.

Then, suddenly one day you notice that you didn't reach for that jelly donut at the office party, that you hardly noticed they were there. Or you don't get frustrated with your husband for leaving his dirty tighty whities on the floor, you just smile to yourself as you pick them up - getting a nice hamstring stretch in the process. Or you realize you don't have to talk yourself into going to the gym any longer, it's just part of your life, like brushing your teeth. Or you wonder when the last time you ate a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's was, and you used to do it once a week (ahem, or sometimes twice). Or that mean-as-hell co-worker doesn't invoke an adrenaline reaction in you any longer, but instead compassion for her obvious pain.

So, the metaphor is this: each little act, each movement toward change, is a water droplet, and when enough droplets accrue, a wave forms. And when this wave gets big enough, you're just in the flow.

And all you have to do is ride it.

goals

2005-07-19T15:44:00.001-07:00

"If you're not playing a big enough game, you'll screw up the game you're playing just to give yourself something to do." Anonymous.

What a great quote. I think a lot about goals. A friend of mine doesn't like the concept, finds it too "rah rah." I don't have quite that feeling, but I do have the sense that sometimes we hide behind a goal that isn't, in fact, what we want to achieve.

Women (and some men), for instance, sometimes just "want to lose that last 5 pounds." What happens when they do lose that five pounds? Bliss? Eternal salvation? What? WHAT? I mean, 5 pounds is frankly nothing in real terms. Calculate your necessary caloric intake based on basal metabolism and activity, cut 250-500 calories per day, and lose 1/2 to 1 pound per week. In 5-10 weeks you're there, no big. (Sidenote: I don't mean to imply that it's always that simple -people do have physical problems that impede weight loss, but in a majority of instances, it's something in our thinking that gets in the way).

So now what? You've lost the 5 pounds.

You ready to run for president?
Quit your job and open a fingernail salon?
Start a foundation for pit bulls in need of rescue?
Meet your dream lover?
Travel to the jungles of South America and study rare beetles?
Write that best-selling spy novel?

Wait! SCARY!

We want our dreams so bad, but it's frightening to take the steps necessary to get there. Believe me, I know.

So . . . we get to keep losing that same 5 pounds over and over because it gives your Self something to do while deferring the real dream.

I'm focusing on weight loss, but other small goals (pseudo-goals) can be the same.

I don't have a solution for this, necessarily. But perhaps if I recognize this phenomenon, I can keep it from popping up so much in my life. I know what my dreams are, that's huge. I can take a turtle step a day, that's even huger. And, if it gets scary, guess what?

That's ok.

I can do scary. I can be kind with myself. I can slow down. I can ask for help. I can take spa days and scrub myself with sugar-infused almond oil.

And guess what happens?

It's really not that scary.

update on the after cleanse

2005-07-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

My dear reading public, I know you have a burning question that I've left unanswered. You're dying to know: is she or is she not drinking coffee?

I drank 1 cup on Monday. It was only so-so as beverages go.

I drank green tea today (Tuesday). It was divine.

I think I shall leave coffee as a special occasion stimulant (i.e. when I've had insomnia and need to, say, invade a small country before noon). I thought I loved the stuff, but apparently it was not to be.

days 9 and 10

2005-07-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Wowza - it's over! This weekend I had class both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday I woke up at 4am full of ideas from a coaching session the prior day, and got up to writewritewritewrite. I took off for class at 8am, and realized that I'd forgotten my carefully packed lunch and snacks (cherries, tabouli, sprouted almonds, sprout salad). In a fit of reasonable-ness that was quite out of character, I decided I wasn't supposed to have that stuff for lunch and shrugged it off. I walked to Trader Joe's and bought some nuts and a salad with the rest of the class, which turned out to be a fun bonding experience. After class, Husband and I hiked up a small mountain, then came home, dumped all the clean clothes from the bed into a basked and fell asleep like logs.

I woke up this morning at 6 full of energy, studied and wrote for a bit, went to class. I brought my lunch this time, but didn't feel like eating it. Once again I walked to TJ's with the group and bought greek yogurt, ginger granola, and a salad. After class I was still very hungry. I decided that the cleanse was about over - my body was asking for FOOD.

Since the clease wasn't that restrictive, I didn't have to worry so much about shocking my body. So I did what I wanted to do: we went to barbque, then came home and had a most delicious bowl of dark chocolate soy ice cream with walnuts. And you know what? I am a tad full, but I feel GOOD. I feel GREAT. I feel like I don't need bbq and ice cream for some time to come. That is a good feeling. It felt really good to have a really yummy meal tonight that had nothing to do with left-brained "what is good for me based on this chart" and everything to do with what I wanted on a primal, childlike level.

Tomorrow and beyond? Well, I've discovered that I don't really need coffee, and in fact green tea feels better. I also am enjoying using the food log rather than a more structured system for now, and I'll continue that through the end of the month, or as long as it works for me.

I love the light feeling I had during the cleanse. I did get used to the cheeeeewwwwwiiiing my food slowly, which is fabulous for my digestion.

And I learned a new way of cleansing, one that's easier on my spirit and my body than the restrictive cleanses of my past. It's something I could even do once a month for a couple of days, or for longer once a season. It feels great and is easy.

Eight days eight days give the girl a cheer hey hey!

2005-07-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Yuppers, I feel pretty proud of myself, sticking with this thing.

I wake up each morning, say to myself "self, I don't know what you're thinking with this giving up coffee thing," then walk downstairs, drink my lemon water, make my green tea, take my herbs, and feel pretty darned good. I am not sure what I miss about coffee, honestly. I'll do some work on that.

Also, I dreamed about French pastry last night. Need to do some work on that too, because pastries do NOT make me feel great at ALL.

Ok, backing up. I had a massage last night, did yoga, took a long hot bath, then fell asleep. Man, I woke up feeling good.

For the record, can I just say that oatmeal with mixed berries, half a banana, a big scoop of almond butter, and a dash of vanilla soymilk is about the best breakfast ever?

I've been having some of my best workouts ever throughout this cleanse, and have been packing on muscle and losing weight. I feel, well, clean. My stomach is flatter, my intestines happier, my energy more even. I've had some rough moments with the grumpy thing as all those toxins work their way out.

The best thing this has done for me is put me back in touch with my body vis a vis food. I set up a certain amount of structure for the cleanse, but I also gave myself a lot of leeway to listen to my body. The structure that I did set up (i.e. no coffee, no sugar, etc.) was put there lovingly in order to help me feel fabulous.

The leeway to listen to my body's needs, something that Christi emphasized out in her fabulous book, has made this cleanse so much more pleasant than past cleanses. When I felt that I needed more protein, I ate a (very good, high quality, lovingly prepared) steak. When I felt starved in the evening, I ate a small meal. When I exercised, I asked my body what kind of movement it wanted to do.

Throughout the cleanse, I've logged what I am eating, how I am moving, and how I am feeling. I generally eat five small meals a day - breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, though I added in a snack after dinner twice (notably always on weightlifting days - duh).

My M.O. for the past year or so is to use a handheld planner to keep track of my intake and exercise (I got this for $10 on eBay. Unfortunatly, the tool is no longer being made, though you can buy similar tracking tools for a palm pilot, a desktop computer, or can use the free Web based fitday software).

I like this method, because it allows me to a) track my nutrient intake, so that I can be sure I'm getting, say, enough protein or fiber or whatever. I like that it frees me up to be 20% "bad" because I have rational, empirical evidence that I'm still doing quite well in terms of total calories, nutrient values, etc. I like that it's sort of a game, making all the numbers work for me. I like getting the big picture via graphs and pie charts and such. I like tracking my progress. I like making progress.

But sometimes it can a) start to feel like a ball and chain and b) make caring for my body more of a head game, and, as such, I feel less intimately, physically involved with each decision about what to eat, how to move, etc. Less embodied.

The great thing is that I no longer feel that I have to have a forever solution. I can log food for awhile, use a planning tool for awhile, try other things for awhile. I love that I have given myself permission to be flexible about this.

Go me!

Days 6 and 7

2005-07-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

Oops, missed posting yesterday. Day 6 was a relative breeze. I was hungry a lot in the morning, even after eating, but that passed. In the evening I was hungry again, so had a snack (dont' wanna lose any muscle mass, and all that).

Today, day 7, I woke up feeling puffy, tired, and grouchy as hell. Either I need a whole day's sleep or I'm seriously detoxing or both. Or it could be that something I've eaten disagrees with me, and now that I'm cleaner, I'm feeling it. Hmmm . . .

Tonight I'm getting a massage, then I'll crash EARLY. Like 8pm.

mmmmm . . . massage . . .

Day 5: I feeeel good duh duh duh nu nu

2005-07-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

Hey all-

Last night I was pretty fatigued. B and I ate dinner (sliced veggies with hummous and a few walnuts and almonds for me, a turkey sausage on a whole wheat roll and green beans for him) and went for a walk on the Bay, then went grocery shopping. On the way home, at about 8:30pm, I got fungry (effing hungry). Usually I don't like to eat so late in the day, but when I'm fungry I make an exception. I want to keep my muscle mass up, and I don't like to go to bed starved. So, I decided to drink a whey protein drink and have an apple. Let me tell you, that was the best tasting meal!

I was right to do that. I needed protein. I felt about 200% more energetic within 15 minutes. The down side of that is I stayed up a little late, studying. I got to bed around 10:45.

I woke up tired at 6 this morning. I wanted coffee (coffffff-eeeeee). I wanted Barry's peanut butter toast. I wanted a muffin from my favorite coffee shop - they're all full of berries and fluffy yet substantial inside, but crispy on top and man oh man, they're good. Did I mention I wanted coffee? Instead I had 2 cups of green tea and Manna bread with raw almond butter and the most yummiest mango. Felt awake enough about half an hour to run with B. We ran well - 2.6 miles in 24 minutes.

So . . . I drove into work, had a snack of strawberries and sprouted almonds before going to a long meeting. At about 12pm, while working at my desk, I realized that

I FEEL GREAT!

Don't know if it's all the herbal tea, or if the strawberries gave me a sugar buzz, or what, but dang I feel good.

In other news, I'm ready to incorporate more "building" foods into my diet slowly. Tonight we're having grass-fed beef steak with roasted corn and broccoli. I'm looking forward to that meal! Still sticking with no coffee, sugar or other processed carbs, nuked foods, dairy (except whey protein), and am still doing the green tea, lemon water, etc.

Stay tuned for day 6!

Day 4: I can do this

2005-07-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Day 4 of the cleanse!

Feeling good! Of note:

- Sleeping great, waking up easily
- Sinuses are very happy - no allergy symptoms at all
- High energy (though legs are very fatigued from weekend workouts)
- Not that hungry, given that I'm eating so much less
- My tummy feels good - no stomach cramps and stuff

I don't really feel like I'm detoxing any longer. I'm on a pretty even keel.

I've added nut butters back into my diet for energy. Mmmm, mmmmm, nut butter! I may want to add some whey protein and/or meats back in, because I'm doing pretty intense weights workouts and need to repair muscle tissue.

I'll likely incorporate some of these changes permanently, and try one of these cleanses a few times per year, with modifications for situation, season, and mood.

Stay tuned . . .

Day 3: the good, the bad, and the ugly

2005-07-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

Hi all - it's day 3 of my cleanse. Here's the update:

The good
I have lots of energy and strength, and my workouts haven't slowed down at all. If anything I feel more like working out. Ran three miles this morning, then stretched for 1/2 hour (I highly recommend the stretching book written by these two guys, by the way - I'll write more on it later, but it's seriously given me a new body). My sugar cravings are all but gone. I'm enjoying eating more simply - in fact, it's nice not to think so much about food, since I'm not really cooking most of my meals, just eating whole foods. I have had no coffee withdrawal headaches. While I miss my old friend coffee, the green tea gives me a much milder, more even wake-up, less of a spike, less harshness.

The bad
This chewing thing is hard for me. I've discovered that while I love food, I don't much like the process of eating, except under certain circumstances like a really really good restaurant - or in general any great food with great company. Or great food when I'm alone, when I'm totally in love with my life.

That's good news, actually, as it reminds me of what I can work for more of in my life. Lushness. When I went to Park City and stayed at the fabulous Stein Ericksen for my life coach training, I lost 2 pounds in 3 days, eating whatever I wanted (and it stayed off, it wasn't just water weight). It was about loving my life, fully being in my element - it changed my mindset enough that a) I probably was less hungry and b) I sincerely believe my body chemistry changed. I was a different person, and a lighter one. It didn't hurt to have turn-down service and a maid clean my room daily. But I digress.

The ugly
Man, I've had some foul moods today. GRUMP-Y. Not all the time, just off and on. Things keep coming up, as if I'm also cleansing my emotional palette - stuff that pissed me off long ago, or that didn't feel good and I just figured out why. Interesting. Also probably healthy.

Well, stay tuned for day four!

Cleaning house!

2005-07-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a bit sluggish these past few months. I've had some slumps, some times I've felt overtrained, some sugar cravings, some allergies, some aches and pains. So I decided to do a cleanse. Now, I've done cleanses before, but they were the HARD kind involving fasting and drinking green gook alternated with handfuls of herb pills. I was having a hard time gearing up for that.

So, I bought this amazing little e-book from a very cool holistic health counselor named Christi Lehner. It's called The Ultimate Spring Cleanse Book for Beginners. One thing I love about Christi's approach is that she embraces life's lushness, and this book is true to form. It's inspiring and it helped me look at cleansing in a new way - as a treat for my body, not as medicine!

So, I'm going to post my experience here. I'm doing a 10-day cleanse, which is a longish time, but it's not harsh. It's a simplification, not a drastic reduction. I'm doing the following for my cleanse:

1) Replace my usual morning coffee with green tea

2) Drink lemon juice in water each morning first thing

3) Drink lots of water and delicious cleansing herbal teas

4) Focus on eating cleansing foods (In the book, Christi talks about "building foods" [meats, nuts, fats, dairy, eggs, etc.] and "cleansing foods" [greens, sprouts, fruits, whole grains, etc.]. I'm starting with almost all cleansing foods, then will add in more building foods as my body asks for them.

5) Eat slowly and consciously. Chew 20 times per bite. Be aware while eating - no reading, no computer, etc.

6) Continue to work out, but listen to my body and perhaps replace some weight or cardio workouts with yoga or go for long walks on the beach.

7) Write down my top one blessing each night - and I have a lot to pick from!

8) Give myself a yummy non-food treat each day - for instance, a clay mask, a sugar body scrub, a long hot bath, a massage, a walk with my honey, a trip to the beach. mmmmm . . .massage . . .

9) Oh yeah, and I'm giving some stuff up too. No sugar, no refined carbs, no dairy, no meat for the first few days, no nuked foods.

10) I'm also giving up stress, or at least being aware of reducing it. Simplifying my schedule. Not stressing over being on time for things. Saying 'no" or "not right now" and not even worrying about it (much).

I'm just winding down day 2. Here's the recap.

Day 0 (preparation) -

-Went to the health food store to stock on organic produce, treats (body sugar scrub, new face wash, etc.). Had a rough moment when I saw that they'd restocked the peanut butter chocolate chip cookies to die for. Reminded myself that I am doing this cleanse to feel refreshed and delicious, and that I will eat lots (and lots) of cookies in my life.

-Made a list of treats - some are even FREE - and made a massage appointment for later next week.

-Took a long hot bath with dead sea salts, put on a clay mask, read a good book.

-Went to bed feeling great, ready to get started!

Day 1-

-Felt pretty darned good for no coffee!

-Went to the gym, considered yoga but really wanted to pick up some iron. Felt strong, and like I was sweating out toxins.

-My food choices feel good. My intestines are starting to feel cleaned out. Eating slowly is hard but has merits! Am eating fruit, veggies, oatmeal, sprouts, soy milk, tofu, brown rice, stuff like that.

-Made a pot of split pea soup with veggies and a pot of brown rice to have all week.

-One rough moment when I opened the freezer and saw Husband's ice cream. Reminded myself that it will feel sooooo good to be free of refined crud for awhile.

Day 2-

-Eyes popped open at 6am!

-Went mountain bike riding with Husband. 10 miles! Hoo ya! I'm getting better at it, too. Felt really energetic, had lots of endurance.

-Had a big plate of fresh veggies with hummous for lunch. Tasted good, but chewing this much is getting old. I'll be glad to have soup for dinner.

-Took Raisin to the beach. Mmmmm . . .ocean air! Took a dip. Came home and sat in the hot tub, chlorine be damned. Then a long hot shower with sugar scrub, followed by mango body butter.

-Soup and sprouts for dinner. Mmmm mmmm good!

-Did I mention all the cherries, berries, nectarines, etc. I've been eating? Oh man, summer fruit is better than baked goods anyhow, any day!

-I feel a hungry, but not starved. I feel lighter and refreshed already! Tomorrow I'll add in some almond butter and sprouted grain bread (manna bread - the kind that looks like a bread bullet and isn't baked) after my workout for energy. Plus cherries.

I'll keep logging my experience. I really recommend Christi's book if you're interested in doing a cleanse (she gives lots of options and ideas - it doesn't have to look anything like mine). And let me know how it goes!

The 80/20 thang

2005-06-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

Lots of people talk about the 80/20 rule , which is a great little tool for giving up perfectionism. There are other ways to apply this rule. In food/fitness, here are some examples:

Eat 'right' 80% of the time, eat fun foods 20% of the time.
Exercise 80% of days, take 20% of days off.
Etc.

I see a lot of people get the "fuck-its" and give up when they feel imperfect. Hell, I've done it. Examples look something like this:

"I ate a salad and chicken breast for dinner but was still hungry so ate ice cream."
(Ellie's thoughts: So? I eat ice cream most evenings, but I eat a reasonable amount. And what's with the salad and chicken breast thing, anyhow. You're allowed to have real food, just in controlled amounts.)
"I didn't have time to work out on Tuesday and then I got off track and didn't do it the rest of the week."
(Ellie's thoughts: You didn't have time to take the stairs at work? Go for an evening walk? Do a few pushups? Stretch before bed? And why did this send you into a tailspin anyhow? You need rest days.)
"I went out to dinner and ate wayyyyyy too much. I even had pie with ice cream. I felt really crappy the next day, and my diet just went to hell all week."
(Ellie's thoughts: One meal isn't going to make you fat. Letting it cause you to get the fuck-its will.)

Dude, it's ok to be imperfect . . . 20% of the time. Just kidding about that, but 80% is a good max goal for being "good."

hello world!

2005-06-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Hi - OK, I've been busy and will be busy for the forseeable future. So, I think I'll move to a shorter post format so that I can continue to post! Stay tuned . . .

Hell has an on/off switch

2005-06-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

The mind is its own place, and in it self
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-John Milton, Paradise Lost

Hi all - sorry for the interruption in our regularly scheduled programming. It's been a rough ride this last month or so. Why, you ask? Well, lotsa stuff. What's the phrase from that song? Something like "my back aches, my feet hurt, and I don't believe in Jesus." Well - my hips hurt, my dog had $3000 knee surgery, and keeping the faith has been touch and go.

On the up side, I've been learning a lot. Dissolving some old stuff, locating other stuff that needs dissolving.

Am I being opaque? Maybe I'm not ready to write about this. Let's start again:

I hit a wall. I got exhausted. I got stressed out and didn't notice until it was too late. I let too many projects that I don't want to do pile up on my plate and tried to pretend to myself that I didn't mind and could handle it. I spent too much time cleaning house. I didn't hang out with friends often enough.

So, my essential self said "fuck you" and laid me out flat on my back (figuratively and, sometimes, literally) for a time. I am hoping and praying for strength now. Not the strength to be a stoic, steadfast beast of burden, but the strength to slow down, to take care of my needs, to state the truth and then not snatch it back out of embarrassment or some strange sense of not being allowed to tell my truth. The strength to take up my spiritual sword and face the demons.

What a great experience for me as a coach - to have it all fall apart for a time (not all, darling sweetie, a voice whispers, you still got to the gym daily, you still made progress on many fronts, you still kept it so much together in so many ways) and have to pick up the pieces. To develop the strategies that work for me so that I can share them. To remember how it feels to feel like shit. To remember that I am in charge of all of it.

I am powerful, and that power can be used for good or for evil. Evil is not about being an ax murderer (though that, of course, is evil), it's about living, thinking, in a way that doesn't bring me joy. My joy brings the world joy. It's what I was born for. It's what you were born for. It's what everybody was born for.

Here's the fact, Jack. Nothing was objectively all that different about my life during this painful time period. My hell was created 100% in my own head, by my own perspectives and choices. My solutions, my heaven on earth, will be created the same way.

Hell, indeed, has an on/off switch. Thing is, you have to find it in the dark.

Mantras

2005-05-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

At the most basic level, mantras are repeated syllables, often used in meditation. Sometimes they are chanted, which is to repeat them aloud. You may have used them in a yoga class. You've probably heard the famous one "Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare" sung by people with shaved heads at airports.

The Wikipedia talks about a mantra being akin to a spell, which is to say that the syllables themselves have power. I don't know about that, though I'm open to the idea that language has power.

What I do know is that consciousness has power. And a mantra brings your consciousness to a particular focal point.

I would argue that we're using mantras all the danged time. Even when we don't mean to, want to, or know any Sanskrit or Tibetan. Even when we aren't aware of them.

For instance:

I'm fat, I'd better diet
I'm so bad, I can't stop eating chocolate
Asshole! Beeeeeeeeeeeeep! Vroom Vroom!
He's going to leave me, they all do
I hate to work out
I never have enough money

Or, alternately:

My body is strong and healthy
I deserve, am nourished by, and enjoy good food
Wow, that was close, I sure am lucky on the Freeway
I have such a great husband, I think I'll buy him flowers today
I love to move my body
Look at all this prosperity in so many areas of my life!

The thing is, and I've seen this over and over and over again, we'll keep seeing more of whatever we're focused on.

This concept is obvious and not woo woo when it comes to prejudices small and large. If we expect, for instance, pit bulls to be big mean menacing dogs, we'll notice all the articles about viscous pit bull attacks. If we expect them to be bundles of wiggly loyal love, we'll notice the one article about a pit bull saving a woman from being mauled by two large dogs. If we expect women to be irrational, we'll see the lady at the grocery store yelling at her kids as confirmation of that fact.

Works for other things, too.

If you've struggled with your weight, you've probably felt fat. Ever notice that how fat you feel may not have anything to do with how fat you actually ARE? In fact, I can feel fat at the start of a workout and like a lean mean iron pumping machine by the end. My body didn't change that fast, folks. My brain did.

Ever notice that repeating to yourself that you are a fat, ugly lump, it doesn't exactly fix the problem? Indeed, it often drives me right to the store and proceeds to purchase potato chips and chocolate ice cream.

That's not just because I eat when I feel bad. Because there are many times that I feel bad (in other ways) that I don't overeat. It's also because I've repeated the mantra "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" so often that consciousness says "OK, fine, you're fat" and makes sure that's the case.

If I repeatedly tell myself that I hate to work out, I'm ignoring evidence of all of the glorious ways that I can move my body pleasurably. I'm cutting myself off from the potential joy of having a human body. If I'm "being good," I repeatedly force myself onto the treadmill in a stuffy gym on a gorgeous day and huff my way through a workout, which pretty soon leads to burnout, a confirmation that I hate to exercise, and more time spent on the couch with chips and ice cream and a mystery novel.

Conversely, when I tell myself that I'm an athlete who needs and deserves nourishment, I choose foods that I love and that my body loves. I eat the right amounts effortlessly. When I remind myself with each breath of my love of movement, I notice and allow myself ways to move that feel great, like hiking up a mountain or taking a modern dance class or pumping iron. If I don't feel like doing the elliptical trainer, that doesn't mean I hate exercise, it means I don't want to do the elliptical trainer today.

This is spiritual stuff in the sense that we're talking about your spirit. But it's also simple human psychology, simple cause and effect.

The cool thing is that it only takes a bit of energy to turn it around. Just consciously changing that mantra from "I'm fat" to "I'm uniquely sexy and probably deserve to be memorialized in marble" created a rapid shift both in mood and behavior, if done sincerely and repeatedly.

Really, it does.

spiritbody

2005-05-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Over the last visit with my mom, which was during the tour de France, I mentioned something about how amazing Lance Armstrong was. My mom made a little face and said "yeah, but what's the point?"

The point, for me, is that the man has sure as heck found his North Star. He's discovered the one thing that God made him to do and boy, does he do it! Or, if you aren't into the Big G, just call it talent. Whatever. The point is, we all have a North Star and our only job on earth is to do it for all it's worth. (It's not always one thing, of course. It may be a whole way of life.)

A colleague the other day said something about Southern California (where we live) being body and fitness obsessed. OK, there are arguments for that. But is taking care of your body a bad thing?

These conversations got me thinking about the disconnect we have in our society with our bodies. Like they're somehow separate from the rest of our beings.

Sometimes I almost feel like apologizing for my deltoids, biceps, and pectorals. Explaining that I lift weights and run and eat well because I love it. Because it's a treatment for years of debilitating anxiety and depression and insomnia. Because I seem to have an on/off switch for taking care of myself, and I'd rather it be on. Not because I'm shallow.

More than that, exercise and eating right are spiritual practices for me. It is about choosing life. Of choosing to live fully. Of being embodied: living in my body. That may sound silly, but most of us run around living in our heads most of the time and forget all about how we really feel down there at ground zero. How do you feel right now? Warm? Cool? How's your tummy doing? Your left foot? What feels good in your body right now? What hurts? Is your jaw clenched? Exercise and conscious eating bring me back to my body.

One of the other blogs I read talks about a article on exercise as spiritual play. It's a really cool, thought-provoking little article, written from a Unitarian perspective, but not really religious in tone. Her first point is that exercise is a treat. It's being a kid and going out for recess. It's the joy of moving, sweating, breathing hard. It's the joy of being on the planet for this fleeting time, of being flesh and salt and blood and nerves.

And that, for me, is a big old golden key.

What's in my kitchen?

2005-05-06T04:32:00.000-07:00

A lot of our health-conscious friends complain that they are short on time, and therefore eat out a lot. Most of them indeed are short on time. Some are running businesses, many have young kids, etc. I've been there. It's hard to fit food planning and eating right into your schedule.

However, restaurant food is incredibly fattening, even if you eat portion sizes that are reasonable, which is hard to do given that your plate usually has enough for three bodybuilders on it. I've taken cooking classes taught by chefs that work at fancy places, and they all say the same thing: if you knew how much butter, cream, olive oil, truffle oil, etc. goes into restaurant food, you'd stay home. Why is this? Mostly because they're cooking fast and in volume - they don't have time to make food taste great without the fat.

However, there are foods you can have in your cupboard/freezer/fridge that can make staying home faster than eating out. Some of them are not the ideal health foods, but they're a whole lot better than the alternative of restaurant/fast food eating. They're a whole lot easier on the budget, too.

Here's what's in my kitchen right now:

Fridge

Bagged salads and precut veggies
Cheese: string cheese, a good sharp cheddar, Romano or Parmesan
Turkey or chicken sausage, the spicy kind
Precooked shredded bbq chicken
Premade pizza dough and pizza fixings (sauce, Canadian bacon, Romano cheese to sprinkle on top).
Eggs and a carton of egg whites
Sprouted grain bread
Nut butters: peanut, almond, macademia/cashew
Condiments: salsas, hot sauces, a mean mole base, teriyaki marinade, ketchup, mustard, low-fat mayo, low-fat salad dressing, and other basics
Corn tortillas
Fat free cream (remarkably good!) or Silk soy creamer
Little yogurt's (watch out for sugar) or soy yogurt's

Cupboard/larder

Fruit: oranges, apples, bananas
Nuts: almonds, walnuts, peanuts, roasted soybeans
Boxed soups: tomato, butternut squash, and tomato-roasted pepper, boxed chicken broth
Marinara sauce
Whole wheat rotini noodles
Whole grain cereal
Canned tuna in water
Canned beans of various sorts
Trader Joe's soy and flax seed spicy tortilla chips
About three thousand Zone bars and a handful of Detour bars
Whey protein mix
Soy protein mix
Oatmeal
Soy crisps - I love the salt and vinegar flavor, but barbeque and ranch are good, too
Coffee!
A variety of wine for cooking and drinking

Freezer

Chicken breasts
Turkey meatballs
Precooked jumbo shrimp
Two grassfed hamburger patties
Veggies: broccoli, spinach, asparagus, green beans, corn
Fruit: mixed berries, cherry berry blend, mango, blueberries
Pad Thai mix
Mushroom rissoto mix
Frozen soups: french onion and cream of mushroom
A few high quality frozen meals
Cracked wheat sourdough rolls
Whole wheat hamburger buns
Precooked brown rice in 2-serving packets
70% cocoa chocolate chips
Overripe bananas, to use for baking
Soy cream

OK, so what can you make with the food currently in my fridge? Here are a few samples that take less than 5 minutes of hands-on time to prepare:

Breakfast

I almost always eat a piece of sprouted grain toast with nut butter and a piece of fruit
Another option is oatmeal with frozen berries mixed in while cooking and a spoonful of protein powder and maybe a few almonds or other nuts

Lunch

Tuna fish with lowfat mayo salad with dressing, and a cracked wheat roll (or used thawed shrimp or stir-fried chicken in place of tuna)
A frozen meal and a salad
Leftovers from dinner
Chicken breast, cut into pieces and stir-fried with spices. When it's almost cooked, toss in chopped broccoli (fresh or frozen) and/or other veggies and cook for another couple of minutes. Mix with brown rice and 1/2 ounce of cheddar cheese.

Snacks

Protein shake and a piece of fruit
Yogurt and cereal with nuts
String cheese and a piece of fruit
Protein bar

Dinner

Chicken breast or turkey meatballs cooked in marinara sauce and red wine, served with whole wheat pasta and a vegetable
Sausage with a cracked wheat roll, corn, and green beans
Chicken breast + pad Thai mix or mushroom rissotto mix
Soup (with some shredded cheese maybe), cracked wheat roll, a vegetable
Pizza made with whole grain crust, marinara or pizza sauce, Canadian bacon. Served with Parmesan cheese and a vegetable
Brown rice and beans with cut-up sausage and/or cheese

Dessert

Soy ice cream
Soy ice cream put in the food processor with frozen berries, served with nuts or whole grain cereal (yum!)
Yogurt put in the food processor with frozen berries and vanilla whey protein (better than it sounds)

Those are just a few samples. Your kitchen will be a reflection of your tastes. But it IS possible to create good, healthy meals faster than you can possible eat out.

On food

2005-05-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

For most of us, it takes a conscious effort to eat less than or as much as we need. A situation the other day made me think of this.

One day, a friend (we'll call her Anna) tells me that she's gaining some weight and it's hard to take off, even though she has started exercising. "I don't eat very much," she tells me.

A few days later, we ate our sack lunches together. She ate two Trader Joe's tamales with sauce. I ate a big mixed salad with dressing and tuna fish. After, we walked to Starbucks. She ordered that yummy sounding Chantico drinking chocolate. I had green tea.

Being as I'm obsessed with nutrition, I did some quick calculations. Anna ate approximately 1200 calories in that meal (400 for each tamale, 400 for the chocolate - I looked that one up, yowza!). My meal was approximately 300 calories.

I'm not picking on Anna. If I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about this topic, I never would have expected that meal to be so calorie dense. It seems like a reasonable meal. And Anna is right, she's not eating that much food. In fact, she eats much less than I do, in volume and in number of meals per day. But the food she is eating is very energy dense. If she eats two meals like this a day and nothing else, she'll probably pack on about a pound every 8 1/2 days, and that's if she's exercising quite a bit.

The thing is, exercise is great and healthy and will do wonderful things for your body, but it doesn't burn that many calories.

Other important things: I'll bet my meal kept me full for longer. Plus, I'll eat another 300 calories in about three hours, so my blood sugar will stay stable, I'll have more energy, and my metabolism will be higher. I'm completely ignoring macronutrients for the most part, but Chantico? It has 20 grams of fat (not the good kind) and 10 grams of saturated fat. A ton of gylcemic-index-raising sugar. And very few redeeming qualities other than some antioxidants in the chocolate (though there are probably way more antioxidants in a 1-ounce Scharffenberger 70% bittersweet bar and only 170 calories, 12 grams of fat, and 7 grams of saturated fat).

The point is, it is sosososososososo easy to pack away over 1000 calories in one meal, when your body only needs maybe 1700-2400 per day (depending on your sex, age, level of exercise).

But that doesn't mean you have to go hungry or deprive yourself. You just have to budget. That means looking at each thing you eat, calculating relative worth, and being aware. It means eating 200-400 calories of high quality nutritious food every few hours, or an energy bar/shake if you can't get a good meal. It means educating yourself. It means that you can choose to drink Chantico, but account for it in your plan. And decide if it's worth it. After all, for that price you could have had two servings of ice cream, several cookies, a piece of chocolate cake, two pieces of peanut butter toast . . . or two bars of Scharffenberger.

Pit bull lessons, part 1

2005-05-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have learned more from my dog, Raisin, than I can express. Most of what she has taught me has been positive - seize the day; run like you may not get to run again; relax whenever you can, you never know when a beach trip might pop up; snuggles are as crucial as food and water; your body is like a smoking hot race car just waiting for you to turn on the engine and go; open your heart wide up and ignore the occasional fool that rejects you, etc.

This latest lesson is sort of heart rending. My little 4-legged companion is injured. She started walking without her rear right foot a week ago Sunday. On Tuesday we took her to the vet, who took x-rays and saw a displaced kneecap and some minor hip imbalances. Since then she's been laid up, doped up, and bored. We know that she will heal quickly and completely, but it is hard to explain this to her.

Now, this is a dog who is used to going to either the park or the beach every day. We moved closer to the off-leash park in large part because of her. Taking her out to play is part of our routine, and I look forward to getting some fresh air and down time, to seeing other people and their dogs. It's a nice after work activity.

But anyhow.

Raisin has never loved her dog food. It's ok, she says, but she prefers peanut butter, tuna fish, salmon, any-fish-will-do-really, steak, and treats. Especially those really nasty smelling fake bacon treats. She has always had a full bowl of food sitting out, which she munched on whenever she got good and hungry.

A week after her injury, I noticed that she was putting on a little weight. Then I noticed that she seemed to be eating more dry food than usual. So, I started rationing her food.

Her new tendency to overeat may be a side effect of her pain medication or the sedative we're giving her to keep her from going nuts (perhaps it is related to marinol?), but it may also be that she is eating out of boredom because she is, for the moment, unable to do what she was born to do which is, in short, to be free, to play, to romp and wiggle.

This got me to thinking about us humans. How many of us have even discovered what we were born to do, much less feel truly free to do it? I have one friend who was clearly born to write (among other things), and she does this quite often and admirably well. She also has a day job to pay the mortgage. She's a leg up on many of us, in terms of finding her North Star (this is what I call your calling, the path that you were born to walk - more on this later - from Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star, definitely worth reading).

If we humans either aren't aware of our calling OR aren't free to do it all the damned time, what does that do to us? Do we tend to overeat? Under-move? Smoke weed and watch B movies? Sure, our particular vices/coping mechanisms vary, but we do something to make up for that aching feeling that we aren't living our lives fully.

So, my tiny Bodhisattva comes through again with a life lesson. Now, on to following my North Star!

Stopping a binge

2005-04-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

It happens to the best of us. You were doing so well with food, and suddenly you find yourself face down in a pint of ice cream, or at the tail end of an entire pizza, or driving down the street with a bag of Kettle Chips in your lap and a large chocolate bar in your hand. Your stomach hurts, you feel puffy, and your brain is fit to explode. Part of you wants to quit, to feel good again; part of you wants breakfast at a greasy spoon. What to do now? Here's a plan of action that works for me, I hope that it can help you, too:

Hit the "reset" button
In some ways, I think, our brains are like really complicated computers and, at times, we need to just hit "control/alt/delete" and don't save the damned file. Something small and symbolic can help. Like brushing your teeth or doing the dishes or slowly drinking a cup of herbal tea. Exercise, especially outdoor exercise, can help me a lot. Doing something with friends can be a great reset. Remember, this isn't about punishing yourself or making yourself clean, it's about slowing down for a minute and breaking out of binge mode.
Watch out for Big Round Numbers
If you feel like "Oh, I may as well keep eating until the day/the week/the month is over, I've screwed up now," that's the binge itself talking, not your higher self. You can stop right this second, at 2:04pm on a Tuesday. It doesn't need to wait until a certain time (such as, ahem, Monday or midnight or the first of the month).
Don't be mean to yourself
Dude, you don't need to be punished, so quit telling yourself that you're bad. Even if you did need punishment - you've already paid. Do you feel good right now? No, I didn't think so.

There's a concept in the spiritual path I practice that you aren't punished for your sins, you're punished by them. Think about it. I look at sin as being off target, or not in line with our highest good as opposed to being bad. It's not clear to me that the binge wasn't for your highest good - maybe it taught you a valuable lesson or in some way made you a more empathetic/kinder person, or whatever. But let's say for the purposes of this discussion that it wasn't for your highest good. You've paid for that sin in stomach pain, you've paid in feeling tired and crappy, you've paid in actual money for the food and perhaps new clothing. You've paid enough. Now move on to step 4.
Be nice to yourself
The flip side of not being mean is being actively nice. Put on an outfit you like (one that doesn't feel tight, for God's sake!). Make sure that you feed yourself next time you feel hungry, and that it's a meal you really enjoy (no punishing yourself with HUGE salads and unseasoned chicken breast unless that's what you really WANT, and I doubt it). Take a nice hot bath. Go buy a good book or go to the library. Call a friend you love if you want company. Take a yoga class if you like that kind of thing. Go target shooting if you're a gun nut like my husband. Whatever you enjoy.
Get some support
This can mean going to some kind of meeting (such as Overeaters Anonymous or Smart Recovery) or seeing a therapist of some kind (your insurance may cover this). It may also mean just being with friends, even if you don't talk about what just happened. Or, it may mean buying a book written by somebody who understands. There are lots of them.
Give it some light
Secrets have power. If you feel safe, you can make the binge No Big Deal by talking about it openly. For instance, I might say to a friendly colleague "Yeah, I'm skipping the office Christmas party because I have had a problem with binge eating and food events really trigger the problem. I've been doing really well for a few years, but work parties scare me" or I may say to a good friend "Wow, I totally pigged out last night and it frightened me because it felt like a binge. I used to weigh 175 because of binges and don't want to go there again" or "man, cherry danishes and other sugary pastries are a total binge trigger for me, I wonder if it's psychological or physiological or both. You ever have that problem?" The friend may know how you feel or not (though you may be surprised what people will tell you), but in being open, you just opened all the windows and rolled back the ceiling and said to the monsters in your soul "Yoohoo! I see you! Want a cup of tea?."

If this doesn't feel safe, honor that. Consider trying it in small ways, just with certain friends who you know love and support you. You can even say "it feels weird to say this, but . . ." Or you can go back to step 6 and try a group or a therapist, since you are safer in those contexts. Or, you can write in your journal - even being open and honest with yourself is like opening the curtains and letting some light in.
Get real
Once you feel a bit more stable, it's time to analyze what happened. You had a good reason for bingeing, so what was it? Did you get too hungry? Tired? Fill up your schedule with more events that you could handle? Did you do too much for other people and not enough for yourself? Are you lonely? Do you need a vacation? Were you force feeding yourself immense cabbage and radish-sprout salads and ignoring your appetite for chocolate ice cream? Did you feel bad about something else? Maybe an event at work or in a relationship?
More deep thoughts
If you'd like, try this exercise. Draw a line down a piece of paper to create to columns. On one side, write down everything you got out of this binge, other binges, and bingeing in general.

For instance:
-the food tasted good
-I didn't have to think about my weight and diet and man am I tired of thinking about it
-I got comfort about not saying what I thought to that friend who made a hurtful comment (whoa, you might think, I didn't even realize I felt bad!)

If you keep going with this list, you may discover some interesting stuff!

In the other column, write down the costs of regular bingeing.

For instance:
-weight gain
-lethargy and puffiness
-stomach pain
-expensive to eat out
-expensive to buy new clothes
-feel bad about myself
-myriad potential health problems
-keeps me from dealing with issues directly, and they just keep coming back

Be as specific as you can. For instance, list each health problem you are having (or might develop) as a result of overeating. This isn't about punishment, it's about getting real about the consequences of your behavior.

Look at the list of what you got out of bingeing. Did the binge solve those problems permanently, or do you still have to deal with those things?

Consider (and list, if you'd like) whether there are any alternatives to bingeing. For instance, if the food tasted good, can you consider eating more foods you like on a regular basis? If you were sick of thinking about your diet, maybe you should have a free day once a week to give yourself a break from dieting. Can you do that without bingeing? (I'll write more on the difference been a free day and bingeing in another post). Or can you modify your eating plan to be less complex? If you felt bad about a conversation with a friend, could you have either talked to that friend OR written in your journal OR spoke to another supportive person about your feelings? Would that have worked? What would have?

You don't have to find all the answers or, really, do anything with these lists, but you may want to come back to them and see how the costs may outweigh the benefits and/or what benefits you are getting out of bingeing (which means you aren't crazy, you're just in need of something!) and how maybe, just maybe, you can get those benefits in other ways that don't have so many costs.

[This exercise was adapted from a really wonderful book called Sex, drugs, gambling, and chocolate: a workbook for overcoming addictions by Tom Horvath, a cognitive behavioral therapist. I recommend the book to everybody, not just people with "addictions."]
Embrace your humanity
We like, as a society, to pathologize stuff. "Oh," we might say under our breath to a friend "her dad's an alcoholic, so she's a codependent and that's why her marriage is messed up" or "her sister beat her, so now she's fat because she doesn't want to deal with her feelings" or even something as simple as "I've got an addiction."

Here's the deal. We all have our "stuff." If life were easy, self help books wouldn't be right up there with diet books on the best seller lists. Life is supposed to be a journey. Your "stuff" may not look like mine or his, or hers, but rest assured, we all have it. The people that you most admire have it, too.

Some of us have overcome some stuff that you haven't yet, and therefore have something to teach. You have overcome some stuff that others haven't yet, and have some stuff to teach. You'll have more to teach as you continue on your journey of life.

This is what makes life gorgeous, multi-hued, full of texture. This is not a tragedy, it is a glorious saga. Each time you fall, you get up again (perhaps each time a little sooner). You are the hero of your own story. You deserve that story in all its ragged splendor and juicy magnificence.

Don't sell yourself short by slapping a label on your story. Milk it for every lesson you can. Then move on to your next lesson.

The space we take up

2005-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

My yoga teacher is a babe. She's got curly dark hair and big brown eyes. Her eyelashes and eyebrows are thick and dark. Her features are lush and her skin is inc-redible: dewey, unlined, and fresh. Her age is hard to determine, probably between 35 and 45. Her figure is soft and curvy. She glows. She moves in her body with comfort and ease. She is obviously flexible and strong.

According to BMI charts, she's probably 30 or 40 pounds over her ideal weight.

Is she unhealthy? I doubt it.

According to those same charts, most of the NFL is obese. Now, there are some big boys playing football, but are they obese? They seem purdy nimble on their feet, and they're not keeling over from heart attacks. At 5"1' and 165 pounds, the Olympic Gold Medalist for weightlifting, Pawina Thongsuk is considered severely overweight. I could go on.

There are two things going on here. One is that BMI doesn't account for body composition (i.e. muscle mass). Two is that not everybody was born to be small. While being much over your ideal weight clearly isn't healthy, I don't think that there is a formula for weight health that can be codified and applied across the board. Same as what you eat. How can the American Dietetic Association know that 45-65% carbohydrates is good for me? For some people, that's a recipe for a blood sugar disaster. For others, it may be low.

I'm digressing. My point is that health is individual. Little about it can be stated in sweeping terms.

Further, I have a concern, which is that women have been taught, in various subtle and overt ways, that they aren't allowed to take up space. I know that trying to be something you aren't causes all sorts of problems (some people were not meant to be size 6's, and trying to be one will cause illness and obsession). That has caused me more than a moment of pause as I carefully watch my own intake and weight, and in my role as a coach who specializes in fitness and food.

Here's what I think. You, woman or man, have a right to your body and to all decisions about it. If you want to be a size 2 because it makes you feel the best, more power to you. If that makes you unhealthy or unhappy or hungry all the time, I'd strongly advise you to reconsider, but I wouldn't stop you. If you love your size 16 body but want to learn to love exercise, that's great, too. If you don't have any idea what it would feel like to be really radiantly healthy, and simply want to concentrate on figuring that out, with no focus on size at all, hallelujah!

So make some noise for all the gorgeous women in the world! Yeah for all the space we take up on the planet!

The Big Click

2005-04-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about how being on a fitness/nutrition program can either be relatively easy or freaking impossible. It feels to me like a train track - if I'm on the rails I'm great, chugging away. If I fall off the tracks, getting that locomotive going again is gonna take some heavy machinery!

Hiking around this weekend with The Husband, we had a conversation that led to this theory, which is not yet fully formed:

Imagine that you are on a path. On one end is an image of Who You Are. On the other is Who You Want To Be.

Imagine that you are, in fact, dreaming. When you are awake, Who You Are is Unlimited Potential. But since you're dreaming, you instead have a picture of yourself, which we'll call Who You Imagine Yourself To Be.

OK, so you're standing on this path, trying to take small steps (i.e. meet goals) to get from Who You Imagine Yourself To Be to Who you Want To Be.

Imagine that these two images are magnetic, and you're a magnet. So, you're being pulled towards each of the images, but more strongly by the image that you're closer to, and moreso sometimes than others (as the magnetic force is variable depending on circumstances).

Ok, so, for one person, Who You Imagine Yourself To Be may look something like this:

Size 12/14
Professional, career aspirations
Wears black
Likes cats
Drives a Ford Taurus
Tends to overeat, loves pizza, ice cream, cheese and crackers
Hates exercise, not athletic
Loves to read mystery novels and watch movies

I'm writing kind of silly details because that's the stuff that makes up Who You Imagine Yourself To Be. There are so many of these silly details that you've created quite a complex imaginary world!

OK, so you're on the path, and moving toward Who You Want To Be, but it's tough because Who You Imagine Yourself To Be is still the stronger magnet, since you're closer to it. At times it may be easier because you recalibrate the magnets by getting help, setting goals, etc., but in general each step is tough.

But, at some point you reach the center of the path and the magnet of Who You Want To Be starts to pull on you more. Each step becomes easier. You don't have to engage so much willpower to get to the gym or eat well.

But then your Who You Imagine Yourself To Be magnet goes ballistic, gets super ultra strong, and yanks you back towards the old habits or just somewhat off course. Or perhaps there are other magnets on the path that do this, I'm not sure. Anyhow.

The point is it got easier, but then sometimes it's hard again or feels impossible.

BUT sometimes magic can happen.

What happens?

You revise your image of Who You Imagine Yourself To Be to be closer to the truth of your unlimited potential and closer to the image of Who You Want To Be. When the image matches your goals, it gets super easy. It's like these images are holograms, and a new data load can revise them.

For instance. That description up there? That was me 5 years ago. It's not who I am now. At all. I've spent a lot of time and energy moving towards Who I Want To Be, but it wasn't until I installed new data in the Who I Imagine Myself To Be image that I went easily from a size 10/12 to a size 4/6, from being stuck at 140-150 pounds to 128 and shrinking, from pushing myself to work out to begging for my workouts so that I would be strong for my outdoor activities.

I'm focusing on fitness goals because that's my particular obsession. I believe that this applies elsewhere.

Who do I imagine myself to be now?

Size 4, naturally athletic, strong, and lean
Creative, free individual with many irons in the fire, many of which earn good money
Wears bright colors
Total dog person, though cats are ok too
Drives a Subaru wagon covered in mud, would love a sports car for the weekend
Talented healthy chef who loves finding ways to make healthy food taste good
Loves to move, dance, hike, swim, run, play! Can hardly stand to sit still long enough to read all the interesting books out there!
A badass - the only chick in my gym working on her clean and jerk

And so, this being my image of myself, there aren't two forces pulling on me all of the time (not, of course, that there isn't data that still needs or will need replacing). How much easier if I had figured that out from the beginning!

I have a body, yet I am not my body

2005-04-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

We've said that as a contemplation in yoga class. Is it true? At some point in my life I sort of started feeling like a brain with a body attached. Now I feel like my body is more foundationally me than my brain is, sometimes. At what level is my consciousness integrated with my very cellular structure, and at what level does it exist even as my body changes and eventually dies? I don't know right now.

I can say this, the physical body, MY physical body, is a powerful tool for consciousness. I know this when I do yoga and release all sorts of gook and tension. I know this when I make choices that are good for myself (e.g. exercise, eat well, rest) and see these changes mirrored in my work, my relationships, etc.

Steve Pavlina has a great post on starting with your body to change your life. His style is very direct, and I like the way he breaks it down. Your thinking is clearer when you take care of your body. Your relationships, concentration, focus, ambition, will improve. The physical results will rebound into your self-esteem, your life.

Plus, if your back doesn't hurt, you'll have more energy for other things.

Incredible life challenge

2005-04-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today my very small Pit Bull, Raisin, and I competed in a silly media event for the Incredible Dog Challenge. It was a swim race with teams of dogs and owners in the bay near our San Diego home. There were seven dog/owner teams, most of them male humans with large Labrador retriever dogs. The event was all in good fun, and footage will be used pretty much to advertise Purina pet foods. The event may make the footage of the IDC that will come out some time this summer, and I'll get a video. I was invited because of Raisin's Dock Jumping experiences.

So, we were to run towards the bay, jump in, swim about 150 feet around two buoys, then jump out and run over a finish line. OK, sounds like fun.

Imagine my surprise when I got competitive. I jumped in with the dog and we started to book. I could see by Raisin's determined little face that she knew this was a race, confirmed by the fact that she ignored her toy, which I had thrown ahead to entice her, and concentrated on swimming after me as fast as she could, deltoids and traps bulging as she dog paddled her little heart out. I stayed toward the inside and was pushing Labradors out of my way as I swim sprinted toward that finish line. I was panting - I'm not a swimmer, and cardio training is somewhat sport specific. When I got to land, the sand was soft and running was hard because my muscles were cold from the 62 degree water. I slogged to the finish line and Raisin was close behind me.

We came in second! Wowza!

Nobody cared who won. It was an event designed to get some footage for an advertisement, an adjunct to the main event. But man it felt good to use my body for a challenge and have it confirmed to me that what I am doing is working. I am strong, I am fast, I am tough, and I can prove it.

Maybe that's not a revelation to anybody who has played competitive sports or even been involved in music or drama or what have you. But it's something of a revelation to me, who never believed until recently that I was athletic, much less a competitor. Much less a winner. Or almost a winner, anyhow.

This got me thinking about metrics - the measurements of change that we use to determine our progress. So many women use only one or, at most, three metrics to determine progress in a fitness program: weight, perhaps inches (or clothing size), and perhaps body fat. Weight, especially, is easy to measure. It's a useful tool, but it doesn't tell the whole story, even when combined with inches and body fat. What if I were very muscular and lean but threw my back out when I tried to carry a 5 gallon bottle of water in from the car? What if I were very thin but couldn't run to save my dog from getting hit by a car?

My thinking is that the reason I chose to lose weight and get fit is so that I can live life more fully, more functionally, more freely, and with more joy. So, while weighing myself once a week is fine, and while the number does tell me that I'm making progress, it's a passive metric. I think that it would be more useful to have active goals, goals that are related to me in motion, not just to the space I take up on the planet.

Active goals for me could look like:
* be able to do five pull-ups and ten chin-ups without assistance
* run three days a week for three miles without hip pain
* run a 5k!
* be able to do 45 minutes on the Jacobs Ladder at 70-80 rotations per minute
* mountain bike the entire trail at Lake Hodges without getting off of my bike on purpose (falling is ok)

There are a ton more possible active goals for now and the future, and I could probably categorize them into categories, but this is a start. It would be a good idea to look at my life goals and see how my active fitness goals feed those.

These active goals, especially when related to my life goals, have more meat than "weigh 120." They are more personal, more mine. They matter to me even when I've had a bad day. They feed my spirit, not just my body.

What are your active goals?

An easy recipe for black bean soup

2005-04-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

I'm short on time today, so I'll tell you what I made for lunch. I modified this from a recipe from the RealAge cookbook.

Easy Black Bean Soup
serves 4
calories - approximately 250 nutrient packed, fiber rich little nuggets of energy per serving.

Ingredients:
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
2+ cloves of garlic, chopped
cumin and coriander to taste (I used about a teaspoon each)
1 big can of tomatoes, chopped or whole, undrained
1 box of chicken broth (or veggie broth)
2 carrots, chopped
2 cans of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 tub of fresh salsa or 1 small jar of cooked salsa

Instructions:
Heat oil, cook onion for a couple of minutes. Add garlic and spices and cook 1 more minute.

Add the tomatoes and chicken broth, bring to a boil, add carrots, beans, and salsa. Bring down to a simmer, let cook for 15+ minutes or to desired consistency.

Serve with corn tortillas, whole grain crusty rolls, or over baked tortilla chips.

YUM!

Willpower: your last line of defense

2005-04-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

I, like a lot of people, began my weight loss journey by using a lot of willpower. I used willpower to eat right, I used willpower to get my lethargic booty to the gym.

It was incredibly tiring. And there were many times that it failed.

What I've since learned is that willpower is a valuable tool, but it's my last line of defense in the battle to get healthy.

I'm going to use a military metaphor for a bit. Forgive me if it's a bit mangled, I'm not a military kind of a girl.

Willpower is like a sentry at the inner gates, waiting with a big sword to fight off the bad guys. He's a big tough dude, but Willpower is just one guy, and if he has to fight off whole armies, he's gonna get really tired. You need front line forces to keep back the bad guys so that Willpower doesn't have to do all of the work.

So what are your front line forces? Here are a few:

1) Habit
You already have a lot of healthy habits. For instance, you probably brush your teeth a couple of times a day and shower once in awhile. Building even more good habits is just a matter of setting small goals and integrating them into your life.

I habitually go to the gym and/or run each day, whether I feel like it or not. If I am fatigued, I do a lighter workout. If I need a rest day or days, I plan for it, I don't just say "nay" to the gym.

I habitually eat a certain ways that support my health, and I habitually eat every 2-3 hours (except after dinner). If I feel hungry or have the munchies between my mini-meals, I can just fall back on the habit of waiting till my feeding time.

That's just a couple of healthy habits I've developed. There are bunches of others. Habits take awhile to take hold, so at first it's willpower keeping them in place. Once they lock in, they are a great support structure.

2) Planning
I will plan this evening what to eat tomorrow. I will have my breakfast and lunch packed up and ready to go. I have a grocery list by the fridge so that I always have a talley of what healthy, easy foods I need to buy.

Before I go to bed in the evening, my gym bag is packed and sitting by the door, waiting to go. I don't have to renew my commitment, consider my options, or make any effort at all in the morning, I just grab my food and my gym bag and go.

I also plan for the week. Monday, Friday, and Saturday I do gym cardio and work out with weights (push, pull, and legs respectively). Wednesday I do a yoga class. Tuesday and Thursday I run outside and do physical therapy exercises. Sunday I rest or, if I feel energetic, do something fun like hike or mountain bike.

My planning is rough planning. If something comes up such as, say, an impromptu meal out, or a day when my shins hurt so I shouldn't run, or the opportunity to mountain bike for six hours, after which I can't possibly do a leg day at the gym, I simply adjust my plan. Flexibility needs to go hand in hand with planning or it can fall apart.

3) Realism
I know that I have a weakness for crackers. I like them with cheese, I like them with peanut butter, I like them plain. I love the little salt crystals on my tongue and the crunch in my mouth. I love their crunchy salty carby goodness. I will not get full quickly and will not stop when I get full. Thus, I don't buy crackers. I just walk on by that section of the store.

Now, some foods can be a problem but, as you grow, cease to be a problem. I have two pints of ice cream and a package of dark chocolate chips in my freezer right now, and I know that I can eat small servings of them as planned. Didn't used to be the case. So, I will check back on crackers again one day and see how it goes.

More realism. If I'm starving, I'm not going to an event where there are munchy little foods. I will eat something first, or skip the event. If I am feeling more appetite than usual, the movies, which smell like that wicked buttery popcorn, are not the place for me. If I travel, I bring food with me on the road so that I don't need to eat every meal out.

4) Attitude
I am constantly giving myself little pep talks. Or I'll ask my husband for a pep talk. I keep little quotations around my office and home that give me a lift. I have a list of heroes in my journal, people that I admire for one reason or another. I have a list of things I can do rather than eat. Thus, when I am weak or frustrated, I have a toolkit of places to turn.

If I "screw up" in some way, I don't beat myself up for it, I give myself compassion and ask myself how I want to feel - better? yeah, probably. What's that going to take? Usually it's being nice to myself and getting back on plan.

5) Self awareness
Often I feel like eating, but what I actually need is one of the following:
-water
-sleep/rest
-company
-time alone
-to admit that I am not happy about something
-to feel an uncomfortable feeling
-some sort of treat such as a massage or a new outfit

So, if I feel like eating or overeating and I don't have clear physical signals of hunger, I stop and check to see if I need one of those things or something else. It really works, even if I am unable to have that particular thing immediately, because I know that food isn't going to help.

Once in awhile, my front lines allow some temptation to get by, and Willpower saves the day. But, I try to give Willpower enough rest so that he doesn't have to wear himself out a dozen times a day.

As I said, this is just a few of your front line soldiers, fighting the good fight. There are many, many others. What are your front lines of defense?

Resources:
Dr. Phil's seven keys to weight loss freedom

Three things I never thought I could do

2005-04-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Run
I ran as a teenager and loved it. Then I went to college, majored in English, and sat on my butt a lot reading and typing papers. When I was 22, I took a running class and -youch!- my hips started hurting and never stopped, even once I quit running. I thought I could never run again. Every time I tried, it caused huge problems. I felt crippled and old.

Over the years I've seen various practitioners to work on this problem, done a lot of yoga and PT exercises, all with varying degrees of success. I got to the point where I didn't hurt too badly if I didn't run and I did stretch a lot.

This year, I started seeing an amazing physical therapist, who trained with the incredible Gary Gray, inventor of the "functional" training concept.

Lo and behold, I can run. I just needed to retrain my body. On Saturday I ran 3.26 miles in 32 minutes, peaking at 7 miles per hour (or about an 8:32 minute mile). Not a world record, but it's a gold fricking medal for me.
Stop overeating for real
I've never been obese, but that is a testament to my metabolism, not my habits. I've never woken up in the middle of the night to down tubs of ice cream, a whole pizza, and a boatload of cookies like the people you see on PBS specials about binge eating disorder. But I have empathy for that behavior.

Food is immensely comforting. Eating is pleasurable. Eating certain foods releases chemicals in your brain that ease depression and anxiety, and perhaps in my brain more than yours. This is both a psychological and physiological process. Cravings can be overwhelming, and compulsions terrifying because they create the illusion of powerlessness.

You can't just quit eating the way you can quit drugs, so I went through a whole process of retraining my relationship to eating and feeling and life, as well as resetting my body chemistry with exercise and supplements. Recovering from the habit of overeating has been a long, hard (but immensely rewarding) road.

I call this a habit, not an addiction. Why is that? Because I believe that addictions of all sorts are simply very ingrained habits that have negative consequences. These habits can cause chemical changes in the body, of course.

I truly never believed I could do this, but I never gave up trying. And I never gave up asking for help. And here I am.
Mountain bike
My first experience with mountain biking was on a trail above my ability level, in the mud, with a bike that was too big, with a group of experienced bikers. Needless to say, I spent most of the time walking my bike. When I did try a downhill stretch, I fell on my head and hurt my neck badly.

I didn't try again for 16 years. When I did, I bought a bike that fit me. I chose a novice trail.

I loved it. I love it. I want to go every weekend. I want to go pro. I am a mountain biking fool.

I'm still bad at it, but I'm learning. I am now comfortable with various surfaces including sand, rocks, water, and dirt. I can go uphill and downhill very slowly. I do not yet like ledges, but I'll get there.

This is just a few things I've done, indicative of deeper transformations. There's not much I don't believe I can do now, it's a just a matter of choosing what to do next.

What have you accomplished that you never thought you could?

Change, your friend.

2005-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Many people that talk to me about my weight loss/getting fit experience either a) attribute it to something special about me or b) attribute their failure to something wrong with themselves.

For example, a colleague recently told me I looked great, then said "but you're young, I'll check back in 5 years." That sounds kind of cutting, but she was just trying to make herself feel better for gaining 20 pounds over the last few years.

Another colleague asked how I ate for weight loss and I explained my program to her. She had about a million excuses why she couldn't do that. For instance: when I buy almonds, I eat the whole bag; I tried logging my food, but it got too complicated; I never have time to pack my lunch.

Other excuses I often hear: I hate exercise, I love food too much to diet, I have a chocolate problem, etc.

OK, jump back.

You don't have to want to lose weight or get in shape right now. There are a lot of good reasons to do so, but if you don't want to, don't. Just say it. Making excuses robs you of your power.

The most helpful thing that anybody ever said to me was a couple of weeks before my wedding. I was stressed out, binge eating, and gaining back some weight. This person said "Don't worry about it. You have a wedding to be present for. Lose the weight after if you want."

So, you may not want this health and fitness thing right now, but check back in once in awhile, why don't you?

However, if you do and think you just can't, I'll tell you this:

If I can lose 40 pounds and get in shape, anybody can reach their (reasonable) goal weight and get in shape.

I don't do hunger well. I have a history of compulsive overeating. I used to be a sedentary bookworm who didn't like to exercise. I love chocolate. I've had various sorts of chronic pain and bizarre injuries for all of my adult life. I crave sugar.

What does it take to change? Funny you should ask.

1. You do have to want to.
Really want to. That means all of you, even the deep dark corners of you. I spoke about this a bit in my last post. Resolving this could mean getting some professional help, or it could mean just noticing what's going on for you emotionally when you give up on your goals.

2. Get help if you need it.
If you are in pain (physical or emotional), find help. It costs money, yes, but your body is a precious tool and it won't last if you don't care for it.

3. Set reasonable goals.
I didn't change all of my habits at once. Lord, no.

A reasonable goal set for the first month for a person who is sedentary and overweight would be something like:

- Exercise 30 minutes 3 times per week for one month.
- Log your food intake and write down how you feel while and after you eat. Don't worry about calories or amounts, just write it down.

When your goal deadlines are over, decide what your next step is. If you have met your goals, pat yourself on the back (or even set up a series of non-food rewards). If you have not, stop and think about what went wrong. Go back through the steps if necessary: Do you really want it right now? Do you need some help? Were your goals reasonable? For God's sake, don't beat yourself up, just take an honest look at your behavior. Then set a new set of goals, with a timeline.

4. Tweak your program.
It's good to stick with a program for three weeks, because it takes that long for habits to shift. After that time, assess how it's going. Do you really like that exercise class? Would you rather be walking than be in a stuffy gym? How's the food thing going? Do you want to shift the number of meals you're eating per day, or maybe add in a free day? Are you having a hard time with packing lunch? How about a frozen meal (though it isn't ideal, it beats giving up)? Can you find simpler foods to eat that you enjoy?

You're in this for the long haul, so you'll want to switch things up every so often.

5. Stick with it.
I don't know if you've seen the Nike ad where Michael Jordan says "the reason that I succeed is that I've failed over and over and over and over again." Well, I don't know about Mike, but it's true for me. Each failure was a step towards success, as painful as those failures could be. The point is not to give up on yourself.

6. Have faith.
You may not believe you will ever meet your Goals-with-a-capital-G (the big goals underlying all the little achievable ones).

That's ok. Just keep at it, have faith that you will slowly change. Reach those attainable goals one at a time, which will give you a sense of empowerment.

Most of all, be nice to yourself. Treat yourself like a precious friend, or a little kid who may be confused and need guidance, but certainly isn't bad.

What's your goal this week?

You are already perfect

2005-04-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.
Carl Rogers

I am sort of obsessed with goal setting and attainment, growth, busting through comfort zones, empowerment. And, obviously, I am interested in fitness, weight loss, nutrition, and health. But I want to take a step back for a minute.

When I weighed 175, I was no less a wonderful woman than I am at 130. The fact that I can bench press 35 pound dumbells makes me proud in a "yeah, I'm a badass and I worked hard for it" kind of way, but I'm not a better human being for it. I am proud that I have set tough goals - in all sorts of arenas, not just the physical - and met them. But that doesn't change that I am just a human being, with strengths, weaknesses, things to learn, and a lot to give.

I believe that taking care of your body is like taking care of a Ferrari that your parents were nice enough to loan you. It's an expensive, complex piece of machinery, and a gift that should be treated with care. I think that growing as a human is what we're on this planet for, and I am driven to share that with people.

But.

Anything you do has to be for you. And out of love for yourself.

My husband, innocently, said the other day that he wished I wanted to learn to surf. He wanted to share his love of surfing with me.

But.

Truth is, I love ocean swimming, body surfing, even boogie boarding, but surfing doesn't do anything for me. I have this boney rib that sticks out and bruises on the board, I get in everybody's way, and by the time I paddle through the chop, I'm freaking tired and want a carne asada burrito and a warm bath. Plus I've never successfully stood up. Surfing is HARD, people. You have to be DRIVEN to keep at it. It has to come from inside.

I will put that kind of effort into learning to be a good mountain biker, even though I keep falling down and cutting myself up and generally being slow, because something about that sport drives me. I will go to three hours a week of physical therapy and endure hip pain so that I can run, because running makes me feel like a kid again, free and breathless and light. I will put huge amounts of effort and force of will into any number of things, some of them quite difficult, but I have to really want to.

Same with other kinds of goals, except it can be a bit less clear, even to ourselves.

When I was binge eating regularly, alternated with taking good care of myself, the problem was that part of me wanted to take care of my body and part of me was pissed as hell that other people were telling me what to do and what size to be. Who? Oh, you know, the usual suspects: parents, society, magazine images, etc. But the funny thing is, my parents haven't told me what to do in over 16 years, and I'm way past wanting to look like a magazine model, for goodness sake.

But some of that past stuff had stuck in my psyche - and in my body - and was sabotaging my goals. I had to find it all, let it go, and figure out how to do it for me.

AND, I had to come to a place where taking care of my own body was an act of love, not an act of anger at myself (for being bad, eating too much, being fat, lazy, whatever). Because when I was beating myself up, my poor wounded self wanted the comfort of food, of course!

Now when I move, it's out of joy and love of life. When I choose to eat or not eat, it's because I know it'll make me feel good.

It's not always easy to know that you are already perfect. You ferret out one place where you don't believe it, fix it, think you're all set, then some other issue pops up, darnit.

Hmm. This week I am going to give myself a gift for being such a glorious expression of life. I am going to do restorative yoga each night for a few minutes to release the tension in my hips and back. I'll do this even if there are dirty dishes or laundry or groceries that need attending to.

How can you express your love for yourself this week?

Hunger and weight loss or, what do I eat and how much?

2005-04-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

Because I've lost a lot of weight over the last few years, I answer a lot of questions from people about how I did it. And I hear the same misconceptions that I used to have about getting fit and healthy. One belief that I've seen is that you have to go hungry to lose weight. While this was true in the 80's when we weren't eating any fat, we're past that now, aren't we?

You don't get to lose weight and pig out. But if you're really, truly, hungry (my test: does an apple sound as good as a snickers bar? OK, you're really hungry), you need food. If you're getting hungry but eating all the food you should be, maybe you're not getting the right macronutrient profile for your body. For many people, each meal should include protein, fat, and complex carbs. Also, I've played with various meal configurations and find that five mini-meals works best for me - I'm almost always eating so I never get very hungry. What does a day's food look like? Here's yesterday:

7am - coffee, sprouted grain toast with almond butter (200)
10:00 - zone bar (210)
1:00 - big salad with jumbo shrimp, low fat dressing, 1 ounce tortilla chips (350)
3:30 - chocolate whey protein drink with big old crunchy green apple (200)
6:00 - turkey meatballs with marinara, 1/2 serving whole wheat pasta, cooked spinach, mixed berries blended with yogurt and 50 grams soy ice cream. (500)
Total calories: 1460

I never felt hungry for more than 1/2 hour, and never very hungry. If I did, I would have eaten a bit more. Notice that each meal includes fat and protein as well as carbs. I'm not a perfect eater by any means. Ideally I'd eat a smaller dinner and a larger lunch, and Zone bars aren't as healthy as real food, but they're chocolate-y and easy and give me protein. And ice cream isn't in the diet of most body builders. The point is, this plan works for me. It works for my body and it works for my brain.

In determining how much I should eat in a day, I calculate my caloric need for my goal weight and use that as a top number. The basic formula is 14-16 calories per pound of body weight for an active woman. Ok, so at my goal weight of 120, I should be eating 1680-1920 calories per day (depending on whether I got a lot of activity that day). Cool, I'll make a number in between - say 1800 - my high number. If I'm well and truly hungry, and not fooling myself, I can have that much food energy in a day. My low intake threshold is my current weight times 10. I need at least 1300 calories a day right now. Less would be risking muscle loss and really ugly hunger. I set my target in between the two numbers at 1600 and adjust up or down as activity and hunger dictate.

I have a free meal every week or two. The calories of one meal won't hurt you, and some experts believe that it can help your body lose fat, plus it can help keep you from quitting. One note on that is that free meals used to send me into binges, so I avoided them. It's only the last year or so that I'm able to set up the boundaries necessary to enjoy a great meal, then go right back to planning my food intake. So, play with it and see what works for you.

If this seems like a lot of planning, it is. I am a planner. On the other hand, my husband plays it by ear. He's using the same basic outline, but he loosely adds the numbers up in his head rather than counting and logging. It works for him.

Here's the basic road map for this plan:

1. Do the calculations above, decide on your target, then break the number of calories into five small meals. For a 1500 calorie day, your mini-meals should average 300 calories. (For a more specific estimate of caloric needs, use this caloric needs calculator).

2. Eat a small meal every 2-3 hours. Each small meal should contain protein, fat, and carbs.

3. Eat whole grains, lean protein, nuts, legumes, fruits, and veggies as the bulk of your food, but allow yourself foods you enjoy within your calorie guidelines. I eat a small serving of ice cream or soy cream almost every evening, and I often eat chocolate. You're looking for a ratio of about 80% super healthy, 20% yummy.

4. Remember to drink lots of water, sometimes dehydration mimics hunger.

5. If you choose to have a free meal, decide on a day and really enjoy that free meal. Have something you well and truly want, not something you think you should want. If you want fast food, go for it. Ditto a steak dinner with a potato, beer and dessert. Ditto a huge plate of pasta with butter and cheese. But stick to that ONE meal.

This is not a formula. Everybody is different. Don't hesitate to experiment. If you don't like this plan, research options and work with some other models. Some people work well with the model of learning to recognize true (not emotional) hunger and eating exactly what they truly want. Others do well by using a higher protein, lower carb diet plan. Some people like to use a list of foods that they can eat to satiety, while avoiding other foods that are more nutrient dense. There are many many ways to make this work for you. There are personality variables as well as biological ones, so a bit of tweaking may be necessary to find the perfect fit.

A final note: don't hesitate to get help if you need it. If you feel that you are hungrier than you should be or you are having trouble with bingeing or you are eating the right amounts but not losing weight, find a medical or mental health professional that you trust and ask for help! I did, and it has transformed my life in ways that go WAY beyond food.

Also, what's not working isn't a failure, it's a clue, so don't beat yourself up. More on that later.

What's working or not working for you?

Resources:
Mistress Krista on food (click on "eating" and then "dieting 101.")
Geneen Roth, author of many books on recovering from compulsive eating

Complexity theory

2005-04-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

My husband has a population biology degree. This morning he explained to me how ecosystems have multiple points of equilibrium. For example, a pond with X number of fish will tend toward X number of fish even if something upsets the equilibrium, but that number may change. That sounded more confusing that I meant it to. OK: a pond hosts 1500 fish. A predator eats 200. The pond will bounce back to 1500. Or, there is a good season for fly larva and the population bounces up to 2000 - it will bounce back down to 1500 over a time. BUT, if the predator eats 300, the new equilibrium might be 1000. OR, if there is a really good season, the new equilibrium may go up to 2200. That's because it's a complex system.

So, that got us talking about our body/mind/spirits as a complex system. In terms of weight (one metric, arguably not the most important one, but easy to measure). I have a set point at 165. When I went up to 172, it was relatively easy to get back down to 165, but getting below it was rough. My next set point is about 148. Again, once I got below 165, getting to 148 was relatively easy. My next set point is 135 . . . Etc. Now that I'm below 130, I suspect my next set point will be around 125, at which point I'll have to push a little harder to get to my goal weight of 120.

The converse is that if I creep back up a pound or two, my body will reach for the higher set point. I've seen this more than once with weight re-gain. I stabilize at, say, 138, relax for awhile, and WHOMP, I'm suddenly 148 again.

It's like a hilly running course - the downhills are easy, but the up hill sections are tough. The places in between are set points, or equilibrium points.

Why is this? Well, we're theorizing it's because we're complex systems. A lot goes into weight loss and fitness, some of it psychological, some of it hormonal, some of it physical. Food tastes change. Muscle mass changes, and thus basal metabolic rate changes. Who you spend time with changes. Your level of activity changes.

Wow! What this means, if true, is that, when weight loss is hard, you can a) understand that if you're doing the right things to meet your goals, you may just be at one of those set points and you'll see change soon and b) if you change some variables, you will likely get through the hilly sections faster. Variables to change can be all sorts of things, from getting a massage to eating more for a day (then getting right back on target), to switching up your macronutrient profile (e.g. more protein, more carbs). It's a matter of experimentation.

More thinking on this will surely be posted soon.

I'd love to hear what you have to say. Do you see this in your body?

What the bleep does "release" mean?

2005-04-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, living in Southern California, or is there a lot of use of the word "release" as in "release old patterns" in our jargon lately? Sounds lovely, and I use it too, but what does it mean?

I am certainly not at the end of my training on this one, but I see it this way. When you make a change in your life, you work hard to change habits and you create the results you want and it's good. But, without releasing the cause of the problem, that problem bubbles up somewhere else. Like pushing down on a bubble under plastic, the pressure of pushing down causes another bubble to rise.

Solving the underlying cause, I think, is a matter of several things. One, finding it. Two, exploring it. Three, feeling it. Four, releasing it. Something simple could take all of a day or two, something complex may take years and a psychotherapist. No shame in that.

For me, somatic therapies have worked well with the last (release) step. Which is to say, working through things with my actual body. Yelling, punching, even screaming. Also more sedate forms of somatic release such as yoga, massage, bioenergetic exercises.

Release is that part of the process after which, when you think about the situation or pattern that used to cause pain, you go "oh, that doesn't really hurt anymore" or "oh, I haven't done that thing in months and I don't miss it!"

I'll write on examples in future posts.

What's your take on what "release" means?

As if

2005-04-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Jacob Glass, a fabulous spiritual coach and speaker, writes this week about Acting As If . That's also something that Barbara Sher talks about in her fabulous career book I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What it Was. In part, Acting As If is about deciding what you want, then acting as if you have it. How would I dress if I had my ideal career? How and what would I eat if I were a naturally thin person? What would I do today if I had all the energy I wish I had? What would a constitutionally happy Ellie do in this situation?

I see a balance here between denying feelings that are painful or hard and focusing awareness of what I want. On the one hand, there is a time to say "I'm tired and I need a nap today," "that pissed me off and I'm not over it," or "sheezus, I hate my job and I want out." On the other, when we act as if we already have what we want, we invite it into our lives. It's a way of getting unstuck, out of ruts. Or, as my boxing teacher used to yell at us as we sweated through bag drills: your body doesn't give up on you, your mind does! (That's not quite true, sometimes my body does give out on me, but you get the point).

Yesterday I walked up a flight of stairs and could feel my hips ache (note to self: I need to stretch every day) and a creeping fatigue. I quickly made two decisions. One, I needed to be kind to my body, stretch it out, do some restorative yoga, eat some extra carbs, and give it a light cardio day, maybe a day off. Two, I wasn't going to give in to the part of the fatigue that was in my head.

What does that mean? Just that part of my fatigue wasn't about my body being tired, it was about a pattern of overwork, expectations of perfection, and collapse that I set up a long, long time ago and that isn't useful in my life today. I need not push myself so hard that I need a week off. I can take steps to feel great right now! It's an ongoing process, detangling these things, and a perpetually fascinating one!

But wait! Where's the acting As If? Hmmm . . . well, it's like holding two ideas in my heart at once. The one idea is being kind to myself, being in dialogue with myself, giving myself what I need. The other one is living as if I already have all the energy that I need, of not giving in to brain waves that are stuck in a low energy state.

What patterns can you let go of today?

Mama got a big ol' bag

2005-04-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

My gym bag is a black backpack. In the smallest compartment is my lock and gym membership card. The other small compartment has an emergency packet of Speed Gel and my Mp3 player. The big compartment has clothes, shoes, a towel, a JumpStretch band and my cosmetics bag.

My cosmetics bag is one of those amazing multi-pocketed yet compact things that opens up to hang on the shower pole. It contains bottles of my favorite shampoo and conditioner. A wide-toothed comb. A tiny bottle of spray gel. A razor. Deodorant. Moisturizer for my face. Moisturizer for my body. Makeup.

When I get home from work in the evening, the first thing I do (after dumping off the lunch leftovers in the kitchen, dropping my purse on the table, and saying HI to the dog) is remove the sweaty gym clothes from my gym bag, repack it, and put it next to my purse to take with me the next day. It takes all of about 3 minutes.

I didn't used to be this organized. I used to shuffle around in the morning yawning and swearing, trying to pull together everything I would need for a trip to the gym. I didn't want to have multiples of things, so I would grab my shampoo from the shower or go without face moisturizer. I occasionally forgot something important like underwear or a hairbrush.

Guess what? I didn't get to the gym nearly as often, and it was a lot more effort. My gym bag system works for me for two reasons: it's an organized, habitual system and I love the stuff in it. I enjoy my showers at the gym when I know I have my favorite shampoo and moisturizer. It's a little treat.

One of the first steps towards meeting any goal is to organize your life so that your habits and routines support that goal. Getting organized is a huge transformational tool.

What's in your gym bag?

On French women and my bag of tricks

2005-04-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of talk in the fitness blog world and traditional media about the latest rash of books on the French diet. It sounds like it basically amounts to eating smaller portions of high quality, delicious foods and structuring meals rather than snacking.

Makes a lot of sense. Seems to me we're biologically designed to eat just about anytime we want, to put on weight, and then to deal with hard endurance workouts, times when we have less food, and (in the case of women), pregnancy. I know there are people who don't have this issue, but without some structure, I personally would be inclined to eat all day.

This morning I got up at 6 and had a cup of coffee (mmmmm . . . coffee) with a slice of sprouted grain toast spread with 1 T cashew/macadamia butter. At 10am I had a 1 ounce of crunchy whole grain cereal with 1/2 ounce of dry roasted almonds and about 2/3 ounce of really really really good bittersweet chocolate chips. And a cup of green tea. I moved away from my computer and any reading material while I ate, and when I bit into a chocolate chip, I actually closed my eyes to shut off any sensory input other than the taste and texture of that chocolate in my mouth. Mmmmmmmmm.

There was a time when I was either eating boring "diet" foods or I was bingeing on things like peanut butter toast and almonds and chocolate. I didn't realize that a) yummy food is OK and in fact can be good for you and b) structuring the amounts and the times is a way to, in fact, increase enjoyment. Nothing is good when you feel bad about it. Nothing is good when you don't even notice that you ate it. Nothing is good when you feel sort of queasy because you're stuffed to the gills.

I log my food intake and exercise output not in order to deprive myself, but so that I can eat chocolate and almonds and steak without feeling like I'm cheating myself. I know how much fat and saturated fat I've taken in today and how much I plan to take in. I know I need a protein drink later, and some fruit, and some veggies. I structure what time I eat so that I don't need to think about it in between times (but am flexible enough to eat in between if I'm truly hungry). And I build non-food treats into my day so that I'm not looking forward to JUST my next meal.

Everybody who has successfully lost weight or gotten fit has their own bag of tricks. What works for me right now is to log my macronutrient intake, exercise often, eat meals at structured times unless I'm truly hungry, eat foods I love, and focus on non-food treats.

What's in your bag of tricks?

Introduction and setting the intention

2005-04-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Ellie and I'm a life balance coach. I help people change things that they don't like about their lives into things that they do like. I specialize in changes relating to fitness, food, and health, as well as generally getting the bits and pieces of life into a good balance. This blog is a place for me to share thoughts and notes on this process.

I trained as a life coach with the inimatable Martha Beck and did foundational work at New Ventures West. Between these two formal trainings and other experiences, classes, workshops, etc., I have a pretty nifty bag of tricks for helping people find their right path.

When my life is in balance, I feel like I'm glowing: I jump out of bed before the alarm goes off (or else I sleep deeply and wake to the alarm refreshed), I look forward to my workouts and my work, I have an active social life and a deeply rewarding solitary life. Heck, my skin looks great and my eyes shine! Thus the name of this blog: glow notes.

What makes you glow?